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King Art Oenfer and Son

2020.09.30 18:51 StevenStevens43 King Art Oenfer and Son

King Art Oenfer and Son
King Arthur:
In this article, i will be attempting to establish a probable root for the King Arthur legends.
I will mostly be looking at it from a historical worldly point of view, as opposed to the otherworldly.
I will also be looking to verify exactly how consistant with contemporary history, the legends are.
So i will begin with introducing King Arthur, who i am sure requires no introduction.
King Arthur
King Arthur (Welsh: Brenin Arthur, Cornish: Arthur Gernow, Breton: Roue Arzhur) was a legendary British leader who, according to medieval histories and romances), led the defence of Britain against Saxon invaders in the late 5th and early 6th centuries. The details of Arthur's story are mainly composed of folklore and literary invention, and modern historians generally agree that he is unhistorical.[2][3] The sparse historical background of Arthur is gleaned from various sources, including the Annales Cambriae, the Historia Brittonum, and the writings of Gildas. Arthur's name also occurs in early poetic sources such as Y Gododdin.[4]
Link for photo
King Arthur
Father and son:
Now the first thing i find of interest, is the claim repeated by Geoffrey of Monmouth that the King Arthur was not one, but infact two.
Father and son.
And this is actually consistant with a couple of Irish high kings.
Art Oenfer:
The father is Art Oenfer.
Art mac Cuinn ("son of Conn"), also known as Art Óenfer (literally "one man", used in the sense of "lone", "solitary", or "only son"),[1] was, according to medieval Irish legend and historical tradition, a High King of Ireland. .[9] The chronology of Keating's Foras Feasa ar Éirinn dates his reign to 143–173,
Cormac mac Airt:
And the son, Cormac mac Airt, whom is said to be the most famous Irish high king in Irish history, and many legends became attached to this figure.
Cormac mac Airt
Cormac mac Airt (son of Art), also known as Cormac ua Cuinn (grandson of Conn) or Cormac Ulfada (long beard), was, according to medieval Irish legend and historical tradition, a High King of Ireland. He is probably the most famous of the ancient High Kings, and may have been an authentic historical figure, although many legends have attached themselves to him, Keating dates his reign to 204–244;
Wife rescue:
Now just to confirm that we are almost definitely talking about the same individuals here, i will point to the legend where King Arthur rescues his wife.
Pre gilfridian traditions
Arthur is said to have killed Gildas' brother Hueil and to have rescued his wife Gwenhwyfar from Glastonbury.[56]
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King Arthur and his wife
Otherworldly:
Art Oenfer also conducts a mission to rescue his wife.
I will also include in the quote the otherworldly myths just to establish that just the same as King Arthur, Art Oenfer also has the otherworldly myths included in his biography.
Biography
Bé Chuille places a geis on Art, after he loses at a game of fidchell; under which he must leave Ireland never to return until he can find and rescue the maiden Delbchaem ("Fair Shape"). Art travels to the Land of Wonder, facing untold dangers and is forced to kill Delbchaem's mother a fearsome and supernatural figure, who has been foretold by druids that she would be killed by a suitor of her daughter. When Art and Delbchaem return to Tara, Delbchaem banishes Bé Chuille from the land, returning fertility to the region.[5]
Wonderland:
Now when the legends talk about the otherworld, wonderland, or land of wonder, as depicted in quote above, i believe them to be referring to the Lake district.
And the reason for this comes from Art Oenfer's son, who is also said to have to visited the otherworld, in which he was lured with the promise of treasure, specifically a shining branch having nine apples of red gold.
Reign
In the tale Echtra Cormaic (Lady Gregory, GAFM IV.11 "His Three Calls to Cormac" ) the Irish King is tempted by the sea-god Manannan mac Lir with treasure, specifically a "shining branch having nine apples of red gold," in exchange for his family. Cormac is led into the Otherworld (Land of Promise) and taught a harsh lesson by Manannán, but in the end his wife and children are restored to him. Also, Manannán rewards him with a wonderful gold cup which breaks if three lies are spoken over it and is made whole again if three truths are spoken.[13]
Westmorland:
Now what leads me to suspect this, is Westmorland city councils coat of Arms, which is a golden apple tree with a hook, which tells me the Irish legends are strong in this areas history.
Coat of arms
Westmorland County Council was granted a coat of arms by the College of Arms in 1926. The design of the shield referred to the two components of the county: on two red bars (from the arms of the de Lancaster family, Barons of Kendal) was placed a gold apple tree (from the seal of the borough of Appleby, for the Barony of Westmorland). The crest above the shield was the head of a ram of the local Herdwick) breed. On the ram's forehead was a shearman's hook, a tool used in the handling of wool. The hook was part of the insignia of the borough of Kendal, the administrative centre of the county council.[14]
Link for photo
Westmorland arms
The growing tree:
I believe that the golden apple tree is based upon the dream that Art Oenfer's wife shared with Art, the night before his death.
Birth and childhood
The story is told that Achtan had a vision as she slept next to Art. She saw herself with her head cut off and a great tree growing out of her neck. Its branches spread all over Ireland,
Saxons:
Now King Arthur is said to have fought a war against Saxons.
Whilst the Irish legends make no mention of Saxons, they do mention a foe of Art Oenfer's running to Britain and coming back with foreigners and murdering Art.
Art mac Cuinn
He made an alliance with Benne Brit, son of the king of Britain, raised an army of foreigners, and returned to Ireland. He defeated and killed Art in the Battle of Maigh Mucruimhe in Connacht.[6]
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Death of Arthur
Oversea's conquests:
Now Cormac mac Airt becomes a legend in Ireland for his endless military victories.
He is also said to have conducted conquests on British mainland, aswell as going missing for periods.
I guess this is where the legends begin.
And this is where contemporary history comes in to play.
Cormac mac Airt
Cormac's reign is recorded in some detail in the Irish annals.[8] He fought many battles, subduing the Ulaid and Connacht and leading a lengthy campaign against Munster. In the fourteenth year of his reign he is said to have sailed to Britain and made conquests there. In the fifteenth, thirty maidens were slaughtered in Tara by Dúnlaing, king of Leinster, for which Cormac had twelve Leinster princes put to death. In other texts he is said to have been temporarily deposed twice by the Ulaid, and to have once gone missing for four months.
Tuathal Techtmar:
Now, i already done an article on Tuathal Techtmar, so i should not need to go in to too much detail.
But even contemporary historiand and scholars believe that just a generation before Art Oenfer's reign, an exiled Irish prince named Tuathal Techtmar was given support and an army to regain the Irish throne, in order for the Romans to have an Irish ally.
Tuathal did take the throne, though his son was removed.
Romans in Ireland
Taking the native dating as broadly accurate, another theory has emerged. The Roman historian Tacitus mentions that Agricola, while governor of Roman Britain (AD 78–84), entertained an exiled Irish prince, thinking to use him as a pretext for a possible conquest of Ireland.[10] Neither Agricola nor his successors ever conquered Ireland, but in recent years archaeology has challenged the belief that the Romans never set foot on the island. Roman and Romano-British artefacts have been found primarily in Leinster, notably a fortified site on the promontory of Drumanagh, fifteen miles north of Dublin, and burials on the nearby island of Lambay, both close to where Túathal is supposed to have landed, and other sites associated with Túathal such as Tara and Clogher. However, whether this is evidence of trade, diplomacy or military activity is a matter of controversy. It is possible that the Romans may have given support to Túathal, or someone like him, to regain his throne in the interests of having a friendly neighbour who could restrain Irish raiding.[5][11]
Commodus:
And the son of the king of Britain that would have been involved in supporting Tuathals descendant to re-regain the throne, would have been Roman emperor Marcus Aureliuses son Commodus who was in Germania at the time getting work experience by going to the headquarters of the Marcomannic wars with his father Marcus Aurelius.
Marcus Aurelius handed his victory title to his son, Commodus.
Therefore if Art Oenfer was killed by Saxons now under the thumb of Marcus Aurelius, then he probably also awarded his young son with this victory also.
Commodus
Commodus is known to have been at Carnuntum, the headquarters of Marcus Aurelius during the Marcomannic Wars, in 172. It was presumably there that, on 15 October 172, he was given the victory title Germanicus), in the presence of the army. The title suggests that Commodus was present at his father's victory over the Marcomanni. On 20 January 175, Commodus entered the College of Pontiffs, the starting point of a career in public life.
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Commodus as a boy
Arthur conquers Scotland:
So, now on to the "unbelievable" and "fanciful" claims of Geoffrey of Monmouth.
Apparently King Arthur that has already reconquered Ireland, also conquered Scotland, culminating in Bath (England).
Geoffrey of Monmouth
culminating in the Battle of Bath. He then defeats the Picts and Scots before creating an Arthurian empire through his conquests of Ireland,
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Arthurs Crown
Septimus Severus:
Now this would have been during the reign of Septimus Severus (Second name is pretty close to severn, which is pretty near Bath), and during this reign, Septimus Severus almost succeeded in conquering Scotland/Caledonia, however he was made to withdraw to Hadrians wall when the Caledonians took 50,000 Roman lives during this war.
But in actual fact, the Roman occupation was not everything we have been led to believe.
I will explain why, later, but for now, in actual fact, the Caledonians pushed the Romans farther than Hadrians wall, squeezing down the West coast, through Wales, and not far from Bath.
They simply cross over the Mountainous terrain.
From AD 117
The most notable was in 209 when the emperor Septimius Severus, claiming to be provoked by the belligerence of the Maeatae tribe, campaigned against the Caledonian Confederacy, a coalition of Brittonic Pictish[53] tribes of the north of Britain. He used the three legions of the British garrison (augmented by the recently formed 2nd Parthica legion), 9000 imperial guards with cavalry support, and numerous auxiliaries supplied from the sea by the British fleet, the Rhine fleet and two fleets transferred from the Danube for the purpose. According to Dio Cassius, he inflicted genocidal depredations on the natives and incurred the loss of 50,000 of his own men to the attrition of guerrilla tactics before having to withdraw to Hadrian's Wall.
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140 AD onwards
Truce:
The war ended with Septimius Severus recognising Caledonia as a seperate country, and offering Caledonians a truce, which the Romans never broke, as after 209 AD, they made no more attempts to invade Caledonia.
From AD 117
thoroughness that led most subsequent Roman authors to attribute the construction of the wall to him. It was during the negotiations to purchase the truce necessary to secure the Roman retreat to the wall that the first recorded utterance, attributable with any reasonable degree of confidence, to a native of Scotland was made (as recorded by Dio Cassius).
Iceland:
Also he is supposed to have conquered Iceland aswell.
Well he would not have had much trouble with that, is it was pretty much uninhabited during his reign.
However evidence of inhabitation in Iceland actually does pre-date the first official settlers from Scandinavia, and is thought to have been already inhabited previous to that by Irish and Scottish monks known as the Papar.
Settlements and commonwealth
According to both Landnámabók and Íslendingabók, monks known as the Papar lived in Iceland before Scandinavian settlers arrived, possibly members of a Hiberno-Scottish mission. Recent archaeological excavations have revealed the ruins of a cabin in Hafnir on the Reykjanes peninsula). Carbon dating indicates that it was abandoned sometime between 770 and 880.[25]
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Iceland coat of Arms
Orkney:
And also the Orkneys, apparently.
Well, in actual fact it is not funny.
The Orkney's had in fact been under ownership of the Romans since 43 AD when the king of the Orkneys was one of the eleven kings of Britain to surrender to the Romans at Colchester.
Though there is no actual suggestion of an Irish invasion this early in history, so perhaps he simply obtained the Orkneys as part of the truce.
Iron age
During the Roman invasion of Britain the "King of Orkney" was one of 11 British leaders who is said to have submitted to the Emperor Claudius in AD 43 at Colchester.[40]
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Orkney Isles
Scandinavia:
He even conquered Scandinavia apparently.
And this is even written in Scandinavian Norse-Gaelic sources that made it's way to Wales. "Y Gododdin".
"God Odin".
Geoffrey of Monmouth
After twelve years of peace, Arthur sets out to expand his empire once more, taking control of Norway, Denmark
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Y Gododdin Arthurian accounts
Ermanaric empire:
And someone must have laid the foundations for the Ermanaric empire, that the Romans loved to hate.
Ermanaric
Ermanaric (Gothic: *Aírmanareiks; Latin: Ermanaricus or Hermanaricus; Old English: Eormanrīc [ˈeormɑnriːtʃ]; Old Norse: Jörmunrekr [ˈjɔrmunrekr]; died 376) was a Greuthungian Gothic King who before the Hunnic invasion evidently ruled a sizable portion of Oium, the part of Scythia inhabited by the Goths at the time. He is mentioned in two Roman sources; the contemporary writings of Ammianus Marcellinus and in Getica by the 6th-century historian Jordanes. Modern historians disagree on the size of Ermanaric's realm. Herwig Wolfram postulates that he at one point ruled a realm stretching from the Baltic Sea to the Black Sea as far eastwards as the Ural Mountains.[1] Peter Heather is skeptical of the claim that Ermanaric ruled all Goths
Gothland:
Though, i fail to see the quandary Scholars and Historians have got themselves in to over the claim of whether or not Ermanaric truly was king of the Goths or not.
Quite simply, Gothland in Southern Sweden is not called Gothland for no reason.
It is the ancestral home of the Goths.
Gotland
Gotland (/ˈɡɒtlənd/; Swedish: [ˈɡɔ̌tːland] (📷listen);[4] older spellings include Gottland /ˈɡɒtlənd/ or Gothland /ˈɡɒθlənd/;[5] Gutland in the local dialect)[6]
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Gothland coat of Arms
Gaul:
And also Gaul.
As i have revealed in other articles, Pre-roman Gaul was a large expanse.
Geoffrey of Monmouth
Gaul. Gaul is still held by the Roman Empire when it is conquered, and Arthur's victory leads to a further confrontation with Rome. Arthur and his warriors, including Kaius (Kay), Beduerus (Bedivere) and Gualguanus (Gawain), defeat the Roman emperor Lucius Tiberius in Gaul
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Pre roman Gaul
Non other worldly:
Now, i am going to go back to Art Oenfer and the lead up to his death.
I originally gave you the otherworldly version of his trip to Wonderland, to show you how it matches up with the otherworldly accounts of king Arthur.
But, now i am going to give you the non otherworldly version of Art Oenfer, and show you how it both matches up to King Arthur, and, contemporary history.
Biography
Another fairy woman, Bé Chuille, who had been banished to Ireland by the Tuatha Dé Danann, fell in love with Art, but, when she learned his father Conn was still alive and a widower, agreed to marry him instead, on the condition that Art be banished from Tara for a year.
166 AD:
It is quite likely that the campaign of 166 AD, against Marcus Aurelius was considered a huge victory for the Gauls, even invading Italy.
War with Germanic tribes)
Far more dangerous was the invasion of 166, when the Marcomanni of Bohemia, clients of the Roman Empire since 19 AD, crossed the Danube together with the Lombards and other Germanic tribes.[266] Soon thereafter, the Iranian Sarmatian Iazyges attacked between the Danube and the Theiss rivers.[267] The Costoboci, coming from the Carpathian area, invaded Moesia, Macedonia), and Greece. After a long struggle, Marcus managed to push back the invaders. Numerous members of Germanic tribes settled in frontier regions like Dacia, Pannonia, Germany, and Italy itself. This was not a new thing, but this time the numbers of settlers required the creation of two new frontier provinces on the left shore of the Danube, Sarmatia and Marcomannia, including today's Czechia, Slovakia, and Hungary. Some Germanic tribes who settled in Ravenna revolted and managed to seize possession of the city. For this reason, Marcus decided not only against bringing more barbarians into Italy, but even banished those who had previously been brought there.[268]
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Arthur rex
Pax Romana:
This was considered the end of Pax Romana, with Pax Romana being the Roman empires finest years.
Marcus Aurelius)
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (/ɔːˈriːliəs/ ə-REE-lee-əs;[1] 26 April 121 – 17 March 180) was Roman emperor from 161 to 180 and a Stoic philosopher. He was the last of the rulers known as the Five Good Emperors (a term coined some 13 centuries later by Niccolò Machiavelli), and the last emperor of the Pax Romana,
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Marcus Aurelius
King Arthur I's death:
Just as king Arthur is about to march upon Rome, he gets news his crown in Ireland has been stolen from him, so he heads home immediately and meets his death.
Do you remember earlier in the article Commodus won a military honour for his non part in defeating the Gauls, likely by having Tuathal Techtmars descendants march on Ireland?
Geoffrey of Monmouth
as he prepares to march on Rome, Arthur hears that his nephew Modredus (Mordred)—whom he had left in charge of Britain—has married his wife Guenhuuara (Guinevere) and seized the throne. Arthur returns to Britain and defeats and kills Modredus on the river Camblam in Cornwall, but he is mortally wounded.
King Arthur II:
During the Parthian war, Roman emperor Caracella was assassinated at the behest of Artabanus V of Parthia.
Parthian war
In 216 Caracalla pursued a series of aggressive campaigns in the east against the Parthians, intended to bring more territory under direct Roman control. He offered the king of Parthia, Artabanus V of Parthia, a marriage proposal between himself and the king's daughter.[6][60] Artabanus refused the offer, realizing that the proposal was merely an attempt to unite the kingdom of Parthia under the control of Rome.[60] In response, Caracalla used the opportunity to start a campaign against the Parthians. That summer Caracalla began to attack the countryside east of the Tigris in the Parthian war of Caracalla.[60] In the following winter, Caracalla retired to Edessa, modern Şanlıurfa in south-east Turkey, and began making preparations to renew the campaign by spring.[60] Death[edit] At the beginning of 217, Caracalla was still based at Edessa prior to renewing hostilities against Parthia.[6] On 8 April 217 Caracalla was travelling to visit a temple near Carrhae, now Harran in southern Turkey, where in 53 BC the Romans had suffered a defeat at the hands of the Parthians.[6] After stopping briefly to urinate, Caracalla was approached by a soldier, Justin Martialis, and stabbed to death.[6]
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Parthia
Carausian revolt:
And do you remember i said the British based Roman empire was not all it was cracked up to be?
Well, between the year 217 AD, the same year Caracalla got assassinated, and 289 BC, there was no Roman emperor of Britain until the Carausian revolt.
Britain was back under a nameless leader.
List of legendary kings of Britain
Lucius (d. AD 156)Pope Eleuterus (174–189)Interregnum; war between Severus and SulgeniusSeptimius Severus (Roman emperor 193–211)GetaPublius Septimius Geta (Roman emperor 209–211)Bassianus (Caracalla)Caracalla (Roman emperor 211–217)CarausiusCarausian Revolt (289–296)
Britain got retaken in stages:
Carausian revolt
The Carausian Revolt (ad 286–296) was an episode in Roman history, during which a Roman naval commander, Carausius, declared himself emperor over Britain and northern Gaul. His Gallic territories were retaken by the western Caesar) Constantius Chlorus in 293, after which Carausius was assassinated by his subordinate Allectus. Britain was regained by Constantius and his subordinate Asclepiodotus in 296.
Link for photo.jpg)
Carausian coin
Gallic empire:
And dont be thinking the Carausian revolt done Britain any favours.
Britain at the time had been roped in to joining a de facto roman empire in 260 AD, which was probably their first mistake.
The Carausian revolt gave the actual Roman empire the perfect pretext to come to the rescue and save Britain from this rogue emperor, and the Romans got Southern britain back in 296 AD.
Revolt
Previously, Britain had been part of the Gallic Empire established by Postumus in 260, which had also included Gaul and Hispania and had only been restored by Aurelian in 274. A milestone from Carlisle with his name on it suggests that the whole of Roman Britain was in Carausius' grasp.[7]
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2020.05.29 03:46 relicular I pretend to have cancer to get matches on Tinder

I’m not going to sit here and apologize to you for being a piece of shit. Let’s be real. You don’t want me to apologize. You want me to change the behavior. Saying ‘sorry’ doesn’t mean squat if I just keep on doing whatever it was that you found objectionable.
So I’m not going to pretend to be sorry. I’m an honest guy.
Well, except for the whole cancer thing. But that’s just a function of my desperation for pussy overriding my principles.
Oh, you have some advice for me? Because you’re so special? Because you can just be yourself and some woman, somewhere, will deign to allow you to moisten your dick? Well, newsflash: you are special. You hit the jackpot in the genetic lottery. Okay, maybe you’re not attractive. But you’re confident. You’re funny, in that self-deprecating way. You have money. You’re a good listener.
Yeah, I don’t have any of that. You know what gets you laid when you’re a miserable, ugly, mean sack of shit? Pity. Pity gets you laid. Hence the fake cancer.
What, you think I don’t deserve pussy? You’re right. I don’t. But I’m human, and therefore, a mere puppet to my id.
Here’s a tip: you have to finesse the reveal. You can’t just be “Joe, 28, I have cancer, 9 miles away.” But it does have to be somewhere in your bio, tactfully sandwiched between your fave IPA and an inspiring quote about dogs. It has to be one of the first things she learns about you. Otherwise, she won’t bite.
The girl was fucking beautiful, man. We matched on a Thursday. At first I assumed she was a bot. Gorgeous face, nice teeth, big tits. My algorithmically engineered Marilyn Monroe. But she responded to my messages with lines that, if generic, passed the sniff test. I changed my mind: not a bot, definitely a catfish. Still, I had to meet her.
She was everything her pictures promised. Bursting with energy, all giggles and smiles and warm touches. She filled me with saccharine Disney joy. And she wanted nothing more than to take care of me. “I’m a giver,” she said. After the first couple of dates, I had to consciously suppress the exuberant happiness that flooded me every time I looked at her. You know, because I was supposed to have cancer.
The thing about pretending you have cancer is that it can be really fucking convenient. Oh, you want me to go to that party with you? Sorry, I have chemo. No, you don’t have to come to the hospital with me. Really, I insist – I’ll be fine. You have fun. I’ll be thinking about you the whole time.
Now she spends the entire party texting me instead of talking to her friends, and I don’t have to reveal how weird I am at parties.
We moved in together after a few months. In hindsight, this was dumb of me. It is much harder to pretend you have cancer when you have to do things like drive around the neighborhood for two hours during your ‘doctor’s appointment.’ But it was worth it, man. The fucking. I’m kissing my fingers in that way chefs do.
When the pretense got too hard to maintain, I had the genius idea to go into remission. Worked like a charm at first. She gave me a slobbery congratulations blowjob of a caliber that may never be replicated. But eventually, when The Cancer faded from the forefront of our relationship, I could see her slipping out of my grasp. She was getting bored.
“Hey, babe, I’m going to meet a couple friends at Dave’s house to smoke weed,” she told me. “You should come!”
“Oh, pumpkin, I’d love to, but I’m gonna have to sit this one out,” I said, draping myself over the side of the couch and trying my best to look pale. “I don’t feel so good. In my kidneys, you know? Do you think the cancer’s coming back?”
“Oh my god. Are you sure? Stay right there. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll make you some soup and you can go to the doctor in the morning.”
So that was the end of remission.
I was already balls-deep in this little charade. The only way out was farther in. The ultimate tragedy, the thing that would make it All About Me, that would edge out her friends and weed and everything else from her life until she only had space to love Me. I told her that the doctors said there was nothing left to try. That the chemo wasn’t working, that my tumor had grown to the size of a basketball, and that all that was left was to sit at home and wait for death. A year to live, I told her. I felt a twinge of guilt as the horror on her face deepened with every dramatic pause, but what else was I supposed to do? She was happiest when she was fixing me, so I had to stay broken. For her sake.
I resolved to make a miraculous recovery and give her all the credit. But the date kept getting pushed farther and farther back the more she tried to make me feel better with soups and smiles and sex.
One day, she got a package.
She poured a bunch of red and white pills out on the counter. “Look, babe. I ordered these on the internet. They’re an experimental treatment from Europe. You can’t even get them in the States. Dave showed me how to go on the dark web or whatever.”
I narrowed my eyes. When had she had time to plunder the depths of the internet with Dave? “I, uh, I dunno, babe,” I said. “The doctors said they tried everything.”
Her mouth puckered in a cherubic pout. “Babe. You have terminal cancer and you won’t try something that could cure you? Not even for me?”
She had a point. In the house of lies that I had so carefully constructed, there was no reason that the person I was pretending to be wouldn’t at least give it a shot.
The pills, obviously, didn’t do anything to cure what falsely ailed me, but they did make me pretty woozy. I don’t remember a lot from the few weeks I was taking them. No problem, it just made her fuss over me when I forgot where I left my phone or got confused about how I’d ended up in the kitchen.
Now, where was I?
Right, the syringe.
“The fuck is that?” I asked, eyeing the monstrously long needle as she squirted a sprinkle of clear liquid from the tip. “What the fuck you planning to do with that?”
“It’s a treatment,” she said, as if that explained everything. “Come on, roll over. I’m supposed to put it in your back.”
“Fuck no. What’s even in there?”
She smiled at me with those perfect teeth. Damn, that smile was like a lullaby. “Babe. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you didn’t even have cancer. Don’t you want to get better?”
You know what I had to say.
“Roll over and let me take care of you, love.”
She brings me breakfast in bed nowadays. She’s a goddamn angel. And also she has to, since it seems like a really big deal to walk to the fridge. Those pills fucked up my back. I think. Or was it the shot? I’m not sure. My life is a blur of breakfast and fucking and breakfast. And needles. But she usually does that when I’m passed out. To spare me the pain. She’s a giver.
All I know is that this is the life, man. You gotta try it sometime. Five stars, would pretend to have cancer again. I can’t believe I pulled it off. I snagged her and hooked her forever. She’s never gonna let me go.
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2020.03.13 23:13 raisineyes12 TIFU by having drunken sex in public with my tinder dates roommate.

Obligatory this happened in my early 20s, almost 10 years ago.
I went on a tinder date with a girl, we'll call her Alicia, she invited me over to drink wine and watch horror movies. We both had a bottle of wine before her roommates got home, and they wanted to go out for drinks at a popular bar in the area. It's a bar that I can't stand (lots of Chads) but being that it was our first date, I played it cool and went along. So, we all get to the bar (me, Alicia, and her 2 female roommates) and I offer to buy a round of shots.
Now, Alicia is half Asian, and she tells me that some people don't process alcohol the same way, and if she drinks whiskey or IPA's or lots of different alcohols, she'll turn all blotchy and red. So, I ask what she does like to drink and she says Patron, so I buy 2 rounds of Patron shots for everyone. By now, some surfer dude who knows Alicia has joined us, and we're all getting along fine, but Alicia, one of her roommates, and that guy dissapear. So, being laid back. I start chatting it up with her roommate who's still around (we'll call her Marie). The bar wasn't that busy, so it became pretty obvious after 30 or 40 minutes that Alicia ditched us, so me and Marie go to a different bar.
We end up getting along really well, and making jokes about how rude Alicia is. We take a couple whiskey shots, and that's when I blacked out.
I come to my senses about an hour later. Marie is on top of me, we're fucking by a beach access a few blocks away from the bar. Suddenly, there's 4 or 5 cops pulling her off me and we both get to spend a night in jail.
It's important to note that I've been to jail twice before this (once for graffiti and once for being involved in a drunken brawl outside of a bar when some creep and his friends wouldn't stop trying to hit on a girl who was too drunk to think straight), so I know the drill by now. This is where it gets scary, I get pulled into a separate cell with a detective, which is not normal, and he places a tape recorder on the table and says Marie wants to press charges for sexual assault, and he has some questions for me.
I'm no stranger to the legal system, so I say that I would prefer to have a lawyer present, and the officer said, "smart man." Im starting to panic a little, so once he turns the recorder off, I say, "ok, so i know there's probably things you cant say in this situation, but man to man, should I be concerned?"
The detective starts chuckling to himself and goes from professional to chill in one second. He tells me, "dude, she was on top of you, and when the officers told yall to stop, she kept going. You'll be perfectly fine."
I've never been so relieved and calm in a jail cell.
So, I go to court the next morning (Marie is on the other side of the courtroom. Looking hungover and pissed off at me), they basically drop all the scary charges (indecent exposure, sexual assault, etc could have fucked up my whole life) and just charged me with drunken disorderly conduct, and the judge tells me if I ever get arrested for an alcohol related issue again, I'll definitely do some real time.
I got a tattoo a week later of a demon with bottles of liquor and sexy women around it to remind me to be careful with women and liquor. I also forgot to mention that I worked a block away from where Marie worked so she got to see me pretty often after that. I smiled and waved every time and she acted like she didn't see me. Imagine being so embarrassed of your actions that you thought it was ok to lie and risk someone's freedom? Pretty gross.
The most absurd part of the story was the last part. Somehow I didn't get fired from my job for missing a day, one of my friends from work made up an excuse to management to get me off the hook. But apparently, Alicia and their other roommate knew where I worked, and freaked out when they couldn't get ahold of Marie (they don't let you use your cell phone to make your only call, so she probably called her parents or someone who's number sue had memorized). They showed up to my job asking if anyone had heard from me, since I was the last person they saw Marie with the night before. They didn't even know we got arrested. I expected to do a walk of shame into work, but all the Chads at my job cheered when they saw me. I forgot that bro mentality dictates that I'm a badass for getting laid, even if it's under outrageous circumstances.
TL;DR I went on a tinder date, got hammered, date ditched me, and I slept with her roommate in public. We both got arrested.
submitted by raisineyes12 to tifu [link] [comments]


2020.03.13 22:18 raisineyes12 When I was in my early 20's I got arrested for having sex with a girl in public and a detective had my back in a big way.

 I went on a tinder date with a girl, we'll call her Alicia, she invited me over to drink wine and watch horror movies. We both had a bottle of wine before her roommates got home, and they wanted to go out for drinks at a popular bar in the area. It's a bar that I can't stand (lots of Chads) but being that it was our first date, I played it cool and went along. So, we all get to the bar (me, Alicia, and her 2 female roommates) and I offer to buy a round of shots. Now, Alicia is half Asian, and she tells me that some people don't process alcohol the same way, and if she drinks whiskey or IPA's or lots of different alcohols, she'll turn all blotchy and red. So, I ask what she does like to drink and she says Patron, so I buy 2 rounds of Patron shots for everyone. By now, some surfer dude who knows Alicia has joined us, and we're all getting along fine, but Alicia, one of her roommates, and that guy dissapear. So, being laid back. I start chatting it up with her roommate who's still around (we'll call her Marie). The bar wasn't that busy, so it became pretty obvious after 30 or 40 minutes that Alicia ditched us, so me and Marie go to a different bar. We end up getting along really well, and making jokes about how rude Alicia is. We take a couple whiskey shots, and that's when I blacked out. I come to my senses about an hour later. Marie is on top of me, we're fucking by a beach access a few blocks away from the bar. Suddenly, there's 4 or 5 cops pulling her off me and we both get to spend a night in jail. It's important to note that I've been to jail twice before this (once for graffiti and once for being involved in a drunken brawl outside of a bar when some creep and his friends wouldn't stop trying to hit on a girl who was too drunk to think straight), so I know the drill by now. This is where it gets scary, I get pulled into a separate cell with a detective, which is not normal, and he places a tape recorder on the table and says Marie wants to press charges for sexual assault, and he has some questions for me. I'm no stranger to the legal system, so I say that I would prefer to have a lawyer present, and the officer said, "smart man." Im starting to panic a little, so once he turns the recorder off, I say, "ok, so i know there's probably things you cant say in this situation, but man to man, should I be concerned?" The detective starts chuckling to himself and goes from professional to chill in one second. He tells me, "dude, she was on top of you, and when the officers told yall to stop, she kept going. You'll be perfectly fine." I've never been so relieved and calm in a jail cell. That's the part of the story with the cop being a bro, but I might as well tell you the rest of it. So, I go to court the next morning (Marie is on the other side of the courtroom. Looking hungover and pissed off at me), they basically drop all the scary charges (indecent exposure, sexual assault, etc could have fucked up my whole life) and just charged me with drunken disorderly conduct, and the judge tells me if I ever get arrested for an alcohol related issue again, I'll definitely do some real time. I got a tattoo a week later of a demon with bottles of liquor and sexy women around it to remind me to be careful with women and liquor. I also forgot to mention that I worked a block away from where Marie worked so she got to see me pretty often after that. I smiled and waved every time and she acted like she didn't see me. Imagine being so embarrassed of your actions that you thought it was ok to lie and risk someone's freedom? Pretty gross. The most absurd part of the story was the last part. Somehow I didn't get fired from my job for missing a day, one of my friends from work made up an excuse to management to get me off the hook. But apparently, Alicia and their other roommate knew where I worked, and freaked out when they couldn't get ahold of Marie (they don't let you use your cell phone to make your only call, so she probably called her parents or someone who's number sue had memorized). They showed up to my job asking if anyone had heard from me, since I was the last person they saw Marie with the night before. They didn't even know we got arrested. I expected to do a walk of shame into work, but all the Chads at my job cheered when they saw me. I forgot that bro mentality dictates that I'm a badass for getting laid, even if it's under strange circumstances. 
submitted by raisineyes12 to copsbeingbros [link] [comments]


2016.03.31 18:04 EricHangingOut NBA City Free Agency Power Rankings

[Very long, but I know you have nothing better to do] [EDIT: Tried to fix formatting. And for those who live in terrible places - take a joke!]
When NBA players reach the rare points of their careers when they actually have the unfettered discretion to choose where they want to live and play basketball, they choose different places for different reasons. Where would he have the best opportunity to contend for a championship? Who can pay him the most money? Where can he be the number one option and play the way he wants to play? Who has the best coach and front office? Which city has the best weather? Which city has the best clubs? The best strip clubs? Proximity to models? Proximity to Kardashians? Where did he grow up?
Recently, every slight compliment that Kevin Durant bestows on a team or a town leads to wild speculation of where he will play next season. As the biggest free agent since Lebron took his talents to South Beach in 2010 and since he took his somewhat fading talents back to Lake Erie in 2014, there is good reason to speculate about KD’s future. In all likelihood, his carefully crafted decision will lead to five years of playing for the Larry O’Brien trophy no matter which jersey he dons.
The complexities of the Collective Bargaining Agreement, the increasing intelligence of most front offices in the league (sorry Sacramento), and the ability to be marketable from anywhere in a globalized economy have changed the way that players make decisions. It is no longer about forcing yourself to the biggest market, which historically, have been the places where a player was most likely to win. A monstrous television deal that will only increase in the next couple of years has leveled the playing field. As has a CBA where a team actually has to plan and make smart decisions to manage their salary cap situation.
But let’s pretend that it’s just about the city and the history of the franchise (but not the active basketball operations, coach and players. So – for example – we can say Michael Jordan played there! But, we cannot factor in Fred Hoiberg, the general current management of the team or the fact that you can play with Jimmy Butler). All else being equal – which NBA locations/teams are the most attractive to NBA players? Remember, we are looking at this from the perspective of young millionaires.
BIG CITY, BRIGHT LIGHTS:
Los Angeles Lakers
It used to be like the rap wars of the mid-1990s. East Coast or West Coast? Biggie or Pac? New York or L.A.? Los Angeles had Hollywood opportunities (What if I told you that you get play a 7 foot genie, star alongside Francis Capra and Da Brat and be directed by the genius behind The Cutting Edge and three episodes of Miami Vice?) Jack Nicholson watching courtside, young actresses (and aspiring ones) flooding the Forum Club and then Hyde at the Staples Center. You could have a mansion in Beverly Hills or on the Strand in Manhattan Beach. A player could enjoy the finest well-done steaks at Mastro’s.
Or you could live in a Park Avenue penthouse. Give high-fives to Jay-Z. Get your boy a guest spot on Law & Order SVU. 4:00 a.m. nights with models in Tribeca and SOHO. And most importantly, being in the center of the media universe could make you as marketable as…Patrick Ewing?
But times have changed. In the age of Twitter and Vine, League Pass, and nationally televised games, no matter where you are, players don’t needNew York. They don’t need L.A. But they still want L.A. The perfect weather and the pull of Hollywood, which remains the epicenter of the entertainment industry. A place where you can blend in and be afforded a little more privacy because residents are more excited by encounters with Jax fromVanderpump Rules.
Los Angeles remains the place where you can play for one of the two most storied teams in the league, while being able to roll along Pacific Coast Highway in a convertible maroon Bentley on a 78 degree January afternoon.
It is the Lakers history that puts L.A. at the top. Veterans grew up watching the late Magic years. Younger players grew up watching the Kobe-Shaq dynasty or the Kobe-Pau years. The games under the Showtime lighting, framed yellow jerseys and 16 championship banners just feel different. It is one thing to be an NBA player. It is a whole other to be a Laker.
Miami Heat
It’s pretty much Los Angeles, but with the occasional hurricane, worse humidity, and Cuban telenovelas instead of big-budget motion pictures. Miami still has the beach and the clear and beautiful warm waters of South Florida. NBA players love neon lights and other bright shit, making South Beach a favorite. There are the palm trees and the waterfront mansions. A player can still date models. Prime 112 has tempura lobster (A Jalen Rose favorite).
Alonzo Mourning and the late 1990s teams brought legitimacy to a new organization. Dwyane Wade and Pat Riley turned them into a premiere franchise and Lebron and the big-three era catapulted the Heat to arguably becoming the most marquee NBA franchise, other than the Lakers and Spurs, in the post-Jordan era.
Also, in case you forgot every Cribs episode, never underestimate an NBA player’s adoration for Scarface.
BIG CITY, NOT AS BRIGHT LIGHTS:
Los Angeles Clippers
Basically the Lakers, but with selfies hanging inside Staples instead of championship banners and nostalgia for Eric Piatkowski instead of Magic Johnson.
The trash organization gained legitimacy when the NBA evicted their slumlord owner and brought in a tech billionaire whose products are not used by a single person in Los Angeles, most of whom are working on Broad City spec scripts at their local coffee shop.
The marketability factor is still present with opportunities for players to be the king of insurance or mid-tier Korean family sedans.
It’s still Los Angeles and a player can always go out on Sunset and pretend he is on the Lakers.
New York Knicks
We pretend the Knicks are the unheralded kings of free agency. That everyone dreams of playing at the Garden and living in New York. But unless you grew up in the five boroughs - no one liked Ewing, Starks, Oak and Anthony Mason (RIP). Most NBA players would not know if Bernard King played on the Knicks between 1983-1987 or 1963-1967. The oldest active player in the NBA (the professor, Andre Miller) was born approximately three years AFTER the Knicks last won an NBA championship. Sorry, the Knicks aren’t a premiere NBA organization. And this is without even mentioning James Dolan.
And - contrary to popular opinion - New York City is not the premiere place to live if you are an NBA superstar. A player would rather live in a sprawling 8,000 square foot mansion with a regulation sized basketball court, shark tank, nine-hole golf course, and a Ritz Carlton quality pool than pay $10 million for a 2,000 square foot apartment or brownstone.
Your average NBA player would rather eat at The Cheesecake Factory than the awesome hole-in-the-wall Pho spot or David Chang’s latest Michelin rated restaurant.
NBA players aren’t known to spend Saturday afternoons strolling the Museum of Modern Art or checking out trendy and provocative performance art projects in Bushwick warehouses.
It isn’t 1981, so nearly every NBA city has some semblance of nightlife where a player can enjoy a bottle of Dom P, VIP area, and have a flock of jersey-chasers clamoring for attention.
NBA players don’t fuck with the Subway.
New York is really cold during approximately 80% of the NBA regular season.
But even though I spent approximately 300 words shitting on New York, it’s still New York. Just ask JR Smith.
[NOTE – THIS ABOVE PARAGRAPH DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU IF YOU ARE MARRIED TO LA LA].
Brooklyn Nets
The team’s history is buried in a swamp in New Jersey. The legacy of the team since it has moved to Brooklyn centers around former stars who were collective decades removed from their primes.
NBA players are not Lena Dunham.
It’s still New York, but not quite.
Basically the New York Clippers.
Having a Russian Oligarch multi-billionaire for an owner is pretty cool.
NOT L.A. OR MIAMI, BUT THE WEATHER IS NICE
Houston Rockets
It’s hot. There is good food and lots of chain restaurants. Huge houses for cheap and no state taxes. Paul Wall, Mike Jones (who?) and Chamillionaire were at the height of their popularity when most of these guys were in junior high and high school.
Hakeem might help you with your footwork.
Allegedly, great strip clubs.
Dallas Mavericks
It’s hot. There are quality steakhouses and lots of chain restaurants. Huge houses for cheap and no state taxes. Unfortunately, no strong rap history.
No one to help you with your footwork, but Cuban provides the best perks (remember when he put a Playstation 2 in every player’s locker back in 2002?)
A lot of players are Dallas Cowboys fans because they are front-running assholes who grew up with the Irvin, Emmett and Aikman teams.
Allegedly, great strip clubs.
And if Chandler Parsons chose to play there you know it is a good time.
Phoenix Suns
It’s really hot. There are lots of chain restaurants. Huge houses for cheap, but there are state taxes. Unfortunately, no strong rap history.
NBA players treat Phoenix as if it is a distant suburb of Los Angeles.
Few models, but plenty of surgically enhanced cleavage and Arizona State Coeds.
More NBA players than you think golf.
Pool parties where players can wear socks, rubber Nike sandals, and two pairs of oversized basketball shorts.
The Steve Nash teams revolutionized basketball and rescued the NBA from the 84-79 point games era. Barkley took them to the Finals against Jordan and maybe a player can get invited to his poker game (hope he makes a max-level salary!)
Orlando Magic
Players have been known to live on lakes and jet-ski to each other’s houses to play Madden, which sounds like exactly the kind of life I would have liked to have led when I was 17.
The weather is really nice and it’s almost tropical.
It’s basically Miami, but rednecks instead of Latin people and New York retirees, lakes instead of the ocean, and strip malls and Disney World instead of any semblance of nightlife. Those D12 teams were underrated (beat Lebron in his prime), but no one has ever said “Dwight Howard did it, so you know it is a good idea.” Some goodwill remains from the Penny-Shaq era. Everyone forgets that T-Mac and Grant Hill played here.
THE CITIES THAT SHOULD BE HIGHER
Atlanta Hawks
It is a mystery why Atlanta is not a more popular NBA city. You would think Atlanta would be at the center of the Venn diagram of where rappers and NBA players want to live. But apparently, NBA players don’t care too much about fraternizing with 2 Chainz, Outkast, Ludacris, Jermaine Dupri, Gucci Mane, Lil Jon, and Young Jeezy.
It isn’t San Diego, but the weather is nice. The food is good. You can buy a Southern estate for about the price of a condo in Inglewood. You might be able to get a cameo on The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Freaknik is in Atlanta, even though its heyday has long since passed.
It’s at the top of the list of where traveling NBA players play like shit. Atlanta has arguably the best clubs of NBA cities that are not Los Angeles, New York, or Miami.
Of course, I have to bring up The Gold Club, where you can feel free to hang around a little bit and talk to them, then leave.
It’s one of the two major African-American metropoles in the country.
Highlights of the Hawks history are basically limited to the 2015 team getting swept in the conference finals, that time Joe Johnson hit a three, and Dominique Wilkins almost (he should have) beating MJ in the 1988 dunk contest. Maybe that’s why guys don’t want to play here.
Washington Wizards
Affectionately nicknamed Chocolate City.
But basketball has really never mattered in DC outside of Georgetown hoops.
THEY ARE REALLY GOOD AT BASKETBALL, BUT THAT’S ABOUT IT:
San Antonio Spurs
What would San Antonio be without the Spurs? The answer is El Paso. No one wants to live in El Paso.
This is a good reminder that this list does not consider the strength of the present-day organization, but it does factor in the history of the organization.
Therefore, the Spurs get a bump for having five titles, four of which no one cares much about. There’s a better chance of Fox News covering a Bernie Sanders rally than Hardwood Classics ever airing a game from the New Jersey Nets and San Antonio Spurs 2003 Finals.
San Antonio is, in essence, Dallas or Houston, but they tend to fare worse in the most obese cities rankings, more residents speak Spanish, and the chain restaurants are next to a dirty river.
I am not sure any NBA players remember the Alamo.
REMEMBER THAT WE ARE NOT FACTORING IN STEPH CURRY:
Golden State Warriors
Two years ago you would probably agree with this placement. Now you probably think I am insane, stupid or both.
But in my completely arbitrary and not very well contemplated rules for this exercise, you don’t get to factor in playing with Steph and company, but you do get to factor in the insane current popularity of the franchise, which has been propelled by Steph and company. So – ummm – make sense?
Until this ongoing Warriors run, Golden State was akin to Milwaukee west.
The years of Run TMC were all too brief and the most prominent superstar (before Steph) claimed by this franchise shot free throws underhand and is widely regarded as the most despised Top-50 player and champion in league history.
And as much as tech-bros are popularizing Northern California, NBA players aren’t exactly swayed by the most European of NBA cities. Other than Boris Diaw and Tony Parker, not many NBA guys would enjoy a nice red at a sidewalk café on a foggy San Francisco afternoon and coordinate team day-trips to Napa.
BIG CITIES, SHIT IT’S COLD:
Chicago Bulls
The greatest of all-time wore number 23. No NBA team’s identity is as much ingrained in the image of a single player. The Lakers are the Lakers even without one of Kareem, West, Wilt, Magic, Shaq, or Kobe. The Celtics are the Celtics even without one of Bill Russell, Bird, KG, or Pierce.
The Bulls are the Timberwolves without Jordan. MJ has rewritten the history of the franchise so extensively that people forget that they were one of the league’s most dogshit franchises when they drafted Jordan out of North Carolina.
To play in Chicago is to follow in Jordan’s footsteps, but unfortunately, the shadow he casts is so large that players are hesitant to fill those Air Jordan’s. Lebron – allegedly – scoffed when Chicago’s pitch to him in 2010 was exactly that. The Bulls sent him a pair of Jordans with an accompanying message: “Do you dare to fill these shoes?” We know how he answered. “Fuck no!” And that seems to be the attitude that modern superstars hold.
Why would I go to a team where – no matter what I do and how many championships I win – I’ll never be Michael?
Chicago is the pride of the prairie. It’s the grandest American city outside of L.A. or NYC. But it is also the windy city and the most frigid big city in the country, where gusts off of Lake Michigan will literally pain your bones. Unless you are an opera connoisseur, it doesn’t hold much appeal over many of the NBA’s mid-sized cities.
There’s a reason in Kanye West’s Good Life, he raps: “The good life, it feel like Atlanta, it feel like L.A., it feel like Miami. It feel like N.Y., summertime Chi, ahhh, now throw your hands up in the sky.”
Summertime Chi. As in – great place to play for the Cubs! But stay the fuck away during the NBA season.
Boston Celtics
How can the team with the most championships in NBA history be as low as 15? Why are the Celtics ranked below the Bulls when they have 11 more titles?
Because even though Boston has the richest basketball history in the NBA, it also has - well - Boston history. Just ask Bill Russell about that.
Even if Boston is a more friendly city to African-Americans in 2016 than the city was in 1966, it still has never been a free agent destination. The recent Big 3 era was orchestrated via trades rather than free agency, even if KG ultimately agreed to join Pierce and Jesus Shuttlesworth to win his first and only ring. But he was apprehensive, even calling Bill Russell to seek advice.
Boston is a tremendous place to live, to go to college or graduate school, to be Irish, and the optimal place to be if you’re a fan of the Dropkick Murphy’s, where bagpipe-punk ballads are bar staples on far more than just St. Patrick’s Day.
Memories of the Garden and Bird and the other several hall-of-famers certainly serves as a strong recruiting factor.
But when New England poet Robert Frost poses the question about two roads diverged in a yellow wood, the NBA millionaire is not going to choose either road that leads to the frigid Boston winters, no matter how pretty the foliage when the season begins.
Toronto Raptors
It is Canada. Which is not the United States. Which means it is a pain in the ass to deal with currency conversion. And you have to file taxes (which are higher in Canada) in two separate countries.
Toronto is possibly the most metropolitan and lively large North American city outside of New York. Because I have not been to Toronto as an adult, I Googled the best clubs in the city to get a feel for how well those Canada nights complement the life of an NBA star. Number one as of July 2015 was Uniun, which sounds like a failing Vegas club at New York, New York, which not so successfully attempts to emulate some chic Manhattan spot. Here is the description: “Owned by the Ariana Grande of the Toronto club scene, Charles Khabouth…” So yeah, apparently a Lebanese Canadian club owner and hotelier in his fifties is the Ariana Grande of the Toronto club scene. Makes sense.
Some other Union gems:
BEERS ON TAP: None, but bottles of Heineken, Coors, Corona, and Molson Canadian.
BAR SNACKS: None as of yet.
WHO GOES THERE: Dressed-up fans of electronic music, beautiful people in their 20s and 30s.
That place sounds TERRIBLE. I bet Jonas Valanciunas has a standing table reservation.
In Toronto, English is still the primary language. While perhaps too similar to the Bratislava clubs in Eurotrip, there are numerous nightlife options. There is an abundance of diversity. Most importantly for NBA players, there is a Benihana!
But it is cold. Really cold. Like colder than Boston, Chicago or New York cold. And if you’re learning anything from this list, it’s that NBA players do not like being in the cold. Which is a primary reason that the Western Conference has been dominant for two decades.
Even if NBA players have a debaucherous time on the road when traveling up to The North - it’s hard to shake the perceptions that are formed in childhood. And nearly every NBA player grew up thinking of Canada, even places like Toronto, as an uninhabited frozen wasteland with the occasional igloo and Eskimo.
Three years ago Toronto would be ten spots lower on this list, but it’s helpful to have your ambassador and biggest celebrity fan be the most popular rapper on the planet. Drake might be worth more to this franchise than Lebron is worth to Cleveland.
MEMPHIS:
Memphis Grizzlies
It’s a smaller town than the warmer cities listed above and the weather is less desirable. It’s one of the top cities for BBQ in the country, and perhaps, the best of any NBA city. Beale Street is apparently fun.
It is more of a blue-collar city than NBA players typically prefer, but at least it is not in the Rust Belt.
It is rated higher than similarly sized and geographically located cities Charlotte and New Orleans because the grit & grind era gave Memphis a distinct basketball identity that resonates with fans. The three most exhilarating things currently in the NBA are Russell Westbrook attacking the rim at full speed, Steph Curry pulling up from 40 and the Memphis PA system bumping Whoop That Trick during a crucial fourth quarter playoffs timeout.
If only NBA players were bigger fans of Elvis.
THE GREAT OUTDOORS:
Portland Trailblazers
The last remaining frontier of professional basketball in the Great American Northwest. Portland, as a city, has undergone a surge of popularity among America’s twenty-somethings, inspiring such articles as the Washington Post’s Why quirky Portland is winning the battle for young college grads.
Oregon has lakes, streams, rivers, trees and picturesque mountains. It also has one of America’s most infamous foodie scenes and thousands of clones of young Bill Walton, albeit the political and socially-conscious new anti-yuppies of Portland lack The Big Redhead’s size and athletic ability. But riding a fixie bike does keep those quads strong.
While natural scenic beauty and hiking have not historically been strong sellers to NBA free agents, Portland - or at least nearby Beaverton - does have one thing that turns the heads of young athletes…The Swoosh.
The Blazers also boast an NBA title, one of the better logo/color scheme combinations in professional sports, a devoted cult-like local following, and hall-of-famers across multiple generations.
If only it did not rain so fucking much.
Denver Nuggets
I’d personally rather live in Denver than any NBA city outside of Los Angeles, but I reckon I enjoy snowboarding, the mountains and IPAs more than your average professional basketball player.
My team-building strategy for the Nuggets would be to target all Euro stars and convince them that living in the mile high city is like residing in an eighties ski movie, which it probably is for Gallinari. Vail and Aspen are surely suitable stand-ins for the Swiss Alps.
I would also try to work on getting Kendrick Lamar a residency at Red Rocks.
Unfortunately, among the most forgotten teams and players from the eighties were the really fun Fat Lever and Alex English led scoring machines. Fresh in the minds of most players is Melo’s slow and painful mid-season exit and there’s no other recent period in Nuggets history which serves as a draw for free agents.
But once the NBA gets out of the weed regulation business and ceases testing for non-performance enhancing drugs and non-narcotics, you can go ahead and bump the Nugs up a spot or ten.
THE PROCESS:
Philadelphia 76ers
The city of brotherly love is the fifth largest United States city. But just because it is big doesn’t mean that there is anything notable about the town. No one talks about the restaurants or the bars or the museums or anything that has really happened since the 18th century. There is the liberty bell, so that’s cool? Most people only know about Philadelphia because of Ben Franklin book reports in fourth grade.
Alllen Iverson was just interviewed by Complex Magazine and said his favorite thing to do in Philly was go to TGI Fridays.
But people remember Dr. J and Moses Malone. And more recently, Allen Iverson had his best years in Philly and brought them to the Finals and I am not going to underestimate AI’s impact, as he is up there with Jordan as one of the most iconic and culturally transformative players to ever pick up an orange ball.
Too bad Sam Hinkie has worked his hardest to demolish a once proud franchise’s reputation.
At least Philadelphia is not Milwaukee or Detroit.
NICE CLIMATE, TOO REGIONAL:
New Orleans Pelicans
I don’t have a lot of history to go on here, since The Big Easy has been a permanent NBA town for about a decade.
It seems like a pleasant enough place to live. It is inexpensive. The cuisine is excellent. You can hear the best Jazz of your life on an unassuming street corner. You can legally walk down the street with a drink in your hand. You can legally gamble. No one seems to mind if you urinate outside a bar in the French Quarter at five in the morning. There are Southern mansions and a quieter life available in the burbs. Cash Money records reps the 504, but unfortunately, I’m not sure Lil Wayne carries the same weight in 2016 as he did when he ruled the aughts. There’s an NCIS here now.
The weather is mostly mild during the NBA season, but the worst natural disaster in United States history likely still looms large in player’s minds.
Even if it is home to Mardi Gras and is essentially the Vegas of the American South, it’s still a very small town and that historically has not played well with NBA dudes.
I just have the feeling it’s more likely for a player’s bachelor party than it is as a permanent residence. But New Orleans’ place on this list should be revisited in five or so years.
Charlotte Hornets
Everyone in Charlotte is a bank teller, financial analyst at a large commercial bank, works for the Federal Reserve or worships at the altar of Dale Earnhardt. I am surprised that the professional sports teams in the state don’t have a permanent 3 patched onto the breast of the team jerseys.
Charlotte is where SEC and ACC grads end up if they didn’t get jobs in Atlanta.
Other than middle-management at a regional office and NASCAR, when I think of Charlotte, one other thing comes to mind - college hoops. Jordan, Worthy, Stackhouse, Vince, Sheed and Dean Smith. Tar Heels versus Blue Devils.
Pro basketball has already died once in Charlotte, but was singlehandedly resurrected by the greatest basketball player of all-time who just so happened to be from the state. If MJ was raised in Detroit, L.A. or Chicago, the Charlotte Hornets would be the Seattle Sonics 2.0 or the Kansas City Jayhawks.
But every male between 30 and 35 years old, no matter where they grew up in the U.S., had a teal Hornets Starter Jacket. If the Hornets want to increase their free agency rankings, they need to go back to their early-to-mid 90s LJ and Zo throwback attire. They also need to make Grandmama the permanent mascot.
And at least for the next five to seven years - the front office can lure free agents with 50 yard line seats to see Cam Newton.
FACTORY TOWNS AND KIND OF A CALIFORNIA TOWN:
Detroit Pistons
The epicenter of the desolate remains of once proud American manufacturing. If you sign with the Pistons, they may be able to hook you up with a good deal on a Ford Explorer.
Living options are between a dilapidated warehouse in downtown Detroit or a 10,000 square foot mansion in a Pleasantville-esque suburb, which are similar to the Northside burbs of Chicago, but if Chicago itself no longer existed and it was even colder.
But the Pistons do well with adopting the persona of Detroit toughness. From the Bad Boys to the Billups-Rip-Tayshaun-Sheed-Ben Wallace squad.
So a player can feel good about being perceived as a badass, but will soon learn why everyone respects his toughness and resilience, he has to live in Detroit.
Sacramento Kings
It sounds appealing to work and live in the capital of California, until you realize that the capital of California is Sacramento.
The current Kings arena – Sleep Train (formerly Arco) – is located in a cow pasture.
The best thing about Sacramento is the approximate 100 mile distance to Lake Tahoe and 90 mile distance to San Francisco. When your best selling point is being located not that far away from better places, it does not speak all that highly about your city. Sacramento…at least we’re not Barstow.
The Maloof bros sold, so there is no longer access to free Vegas depravity.
The Webber-Bibby-Peja-Vlade years were fun, but the franchise has since slowly slid into complete chaos and incompetence.
They should just ditch the new digs and move to Orange County (which would immediately be a top three free agent destination), where players can live in Newport and Laguna Beach and not have to wait until retirement to hit on cougars at Javier’s.
Indiana Pacers
Reggie Miller scoring eight points in nine seconds and miming the choking sign to Spike Lee single-handedly keeps the Pacers out of the bottom of the barrel.
Aside from Hoosiers, Bobby Knight, Peyton Manning before the neck, Andrew Luck, Parks and Recreation, the beginning of The Jackson 5 and the non-NASCAR kind of racing, I don’t know much about Indiana. I know Notre Dame is in South Bend, but the Irish pretty much exist independently of the State.
Apparently you can fish there, which Roy Hibbert and Paul George taught us that a friendly team fishing expedition can heal deep wounds.
So…here we are. Indiana!
Cleveland Cavaliers
I’ll start with the obvious – if I was factoring in playing with Lebron, the Cavs would be near the top of these rankings. Although, Kevin Love and Kyrie Irving might argue differently.
Before Lebron Round One, the most iconic Cavs moment was Jordan nailing the double-pump, buzzer beating jumper in the 1989 playoffs and sending Craig Ehlo crying to his knees.
During the early Lebron years, the Cavs are most remembered for wilting twice in the playoffs and being subsequently deserted by The King for the number two squad on this list.
Cleveland rests on the shores of water so disgusting and polluted, that Lake Erie has caught on fire MULTIPLE times, including the 1969 Cuyohoga fire that played a major role in inspiring the formation of the EPA and the Clean Water Act of 1972. That same fire even had a cameo in Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax.
The stench of failure is so strong in Cleveland that the Indians were the franchise chosen to be featured in Major League. Other than Jim Brown, Otto Graham and Lebron, Roger Dorn is probably the city’s most treasured professional athlete.
At least there is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is basically a Hard Rock Café without the food.
ONE DAY WE SHALL FIND OUT:
Oklahoma City Thunder
One of my good friends and former college roommates is from Oklahoma City. His dad is an incredibly nice and smooth man who happens to own an oil and gas business and whose world view is equally shaped by attending college in Austin in the 1970s. If he were so inclined, I’d let him frack in my living room.
Here is what he has to say about living in Oklahoma City: We may not have the beach and we may not have the mountains, but people sure smile and say hello when you pass them on the street.
While it may have warmth and friendly strangers, I don’t know if that is enough for NBA free agents. And until Durant and Westbrook are no longer in the Sooner State, we will not find out.
THAT KG FELLA WAS REAL TENACIOUS, DON’T YA KNOW?:
Minnesota Timberwolves
It is cold in Detroit. It is cold in Milwaukee. It is cold in Chicago. But only one United States city has an entire downtown system of enclosed pedestrian footbridges (Minneapolis Skyway System), so residents can walk in a climate-controlled environment year round. How fucking freezing does it have to be for a city to build an infrastructure so people never have to feel the outside air?
Minneapolis is one of the more underrated American cities, but that designation mostly applies between Memorial and Labor Day. A July day on Lake Minnetonka is a Kenny Powers wet dream.
But unless you’re an ice fishing enthusiast, there are better places for the young and absurdly rich to spend their winters.
It does not help that the most notable retired former Timberwolf is Wally Szczerbiak.
Light Beer and Sausages:
Milwaukee Bucks
Kareem played here, but after six seasons, forced a trade to the Lakers. In return, the Bucks received four guys I am certain you have never heard of. Oscar Robertson played here, but played the majority of his prime in Cincinnati. Ray Allen played here, but was traded after six and a half seasons along with a collection of spare parts for old Gary Payton (who left the next offseason) and Desmond Mason (who would play two more seasons for the Bucks). Expect to see the Bucks trade Giannis in three years for Deron Williams and Frank Kaminsky.
The Bucks did have one of the better forgotten runs in NBA history between the 1970 and 1974 seasons, where they won an average of nearly 61 games per year. Their 1971 championship run led by Kareem and The Big O was among the most dominant in history, where they went 12-2 through the playoffs including a finals sweep.
Most outside of Milwaukee forget that the Bucks’ success continued after Kareem and Oscar departed, when Sidney Moncrief led them to a decade of near excellence in the Reagan era. But their strong eighties teams have been greatly overshadowed by those great and better 76ers, Celtics and Pistons squads.
As for the rest of Wisconsin - it is shitty beer, the Packers, cheese, Madison and whatever the hell is going on in Manitowoc County.
The New Orleans Jazz Moved to Utah, Where They don’t Allow Music:
Utah Jazz
The State of Utah is about 61% Mormon and 91% white. Approximately 1.27% of the population is African-American. No other U.S. state that has an NBA team has a smaller African-American population.
If the Jazz could guarantee the NBA players/budding film producers that their projects would be admitted to Sundance, they might be able to field a dangerous team. A Baron Davis/Kobe/Lebron core could perhaps secure the 7th seed in the West.
The Jazz do boast a rich history and a rabid fan base. But the very smart and talented front office knows that they operate in Utah, so they are better served building through the draft, where you can retain players against their will.
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2015.07.17 00:47 tabledresser [Table] IAmA: I am Richard Edwards from Margot & the Nuclear So and So's AMA!

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Date: 2015-07-16
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Questions Answers
Richard! I love your songwriting. I've been a fan for YEARS and have actually met you once or twice. I have a question - where do you find the inspiration to write? Your writing is so completely raw and different, it's refreshing. Would you consider a writer or a singer more? What other hobbies do you have? I just write! But sometimes I do feel really inspired, it's almost always seeing a pretty girl on TV or at the store or something. Pretty silly. I'm inspired by women. I like to try and write from their perspective some, too, as I get older. I think of myself as a writer, but I'm actually really into the voice I've developed over the years. Didn't always like it. I love watching old movies and playing basketball when the stomach allows it. I also love reading.
That's really beautiful! That you're inspired by women. Do you mind sharing some songs you've written from the perspective of a woman? Your voice is really great. It's very different. A lot of my friends try to cover your songs but they don't really do it justice, ever! I'd say it's mostly on newer songs. I hope that perspective will be more apparent in the next year or two.
Hey Richard, you helped me get over the death of my mother. I was young and I was an orphan and your first Margot album convince med not to convince myself after I moved to Bible College in Germany. I know that doesn't mean much, but to me, it does. Your band literally saved my life and that's pretty cool, I've never gotten to properly thank you, but consider this that. You were so honest and clear that it made me realize how easy it was to be honest and clear with how I felt, and I would be dead right now if it weren't for you. So I guess my question is this: is it hard for you words to mean more than you meant them to mean? How do you handle it when something you've written means more to someone else? That means a ton to me, it's very affecting to know something I made helped you or someone else in that way. A little overwhelming. I'm so glad they occasionally mean more to others than they do to me, they belong to y'all as soon as I record them.
I came back through this silly AMA to check my grammar, and think I read your comment more fully than I did before. Holy cow. I can't imagine what it must've been like to lose your mother. How old were you? Did you grow up in Germany? I apologize if my initial answer was lacking. I wish things like this AMA went a bit slower, so that comments like these could be given proper attention to.
What are some of your all time favourite albums? Also, are you guys planning to tour after your next record? Will you guys be coming to Vancouver, BC? I'm assuming you're a pacers fan, do you think they'll make the playoffs next year? Hope you're doing better since the last tour. Thank you, friend. I hope we can tour man. Not gotten as better as I'd hoped, which is frustrating. I love Vancouver and can't wait to get back. I think they'll squeak into the playoffs, but don't have real high hopes.
Hey Richard, I'm a huge fan from Salt Lake City who was heartbroken you couldn't make it out this far. Any plans to come out this way again? I will travel upwards of 2 states to see another love show. Also, what current/new bands have you been rocking out to? I'd love, love, love to. Not sure when the body will let me tour, but I'm stir crazy.
Don't know tons of new music, but I really enjoyed Natalie Prass' single, that first song on that record. So good. Always like Kanye. Yeezus was/is my jam. Also a really good band called Assateuge (SP?) and Writer. Cool newish band called State Bird.
Hey, i was wondering is there going to be an underlining theme in your next album? Hmmm. I wrote it sick in bed, but it's not really about that. I was really out of it, watching Isis sweep through Iraq and Syria and men leaking nude pictures they stole from women on the news. I guess you could say it's a bit dark and full of dread. But also funny.
Do you ever revisit songs you once threw out? You like NBA, have you had the same favorite team the whole time? Do you hate me for liking the Spurs? I hope not I love you for liking the Spurs. I love the Spurs. I occasionally do revisit thrown out songs, but these days more to give to someone else for co-writing on a non-Margot thing. Skeleton Key and Shannon were both thrown out songs that I ended up finding on a demo tape and recording.
I'll go ahead and ask some hard questions. What's your go to beer, if money/seasonal availability is of no concern, and what is your staple brew? Go to whiskey? What do you listen to, watch, or read when you feel creatively stagnant? Also what was it like to play on Conan? Conan was actually kind of like a high school AV club. It's such a small studio, it doesn't really feel like being on TV. Hard to be nervous in that setting. He was the nicest person ever. Hopslam, probably. I actually don't hate the Rampant IPA thing from New Belgium, I think? Don't drink much hard liquor, but I'll take a shot of anything you wanna give me.
Hey Richard! I was curious if you ever take influences from other mediums (books, movies, etc.) and apply them to your music, and if so where are these influences shown? Lots of movies, but I'd say mostly the tone. I'll try to write songs that mirror a feeling a movie gave me. A new song "Postcard" was my attempt to capture what it felt like to miss someone in the way a recent film I saw did.
Margot's pretty notable for having a rotating line-up. What has your favorite line-up for the band been? I love the lineup of the past couple years. Ron, Tyler, Chris, Cam, Kate. Just an incredibly solid rock and roll band, and a total pleasure to play with. I hope we all can again soon.
Missing You As Bombs Fall is one of my favorite songs, is a Margot album with a similar sound to I Was An Astronaut a possibility in the future? Oh man, I don't think that will happen but I'd love to make another big pop/rock kinda record. Tried to do that with Rot Gut a little bit. I don't think I could get back that teen sound if I tried!
Oh Richard, which song of yours would you consider the most successful? and can I be successful too? also which artist/band do you listen to the most? The best song I've written so far is probably lazy. As far as commercially successful, it's definitely Broadripple. Yes you can/are! I listen to Randy Newman the most.
Hey Richard! Can’t wait for the box set and hopefully a tour here soon. After Dust and even after Animal your lyrics have gotten so beautifully fucking weird. What is your songwriting process and what sparks your story telling? PS What the fuck is a Tiny Vampire Robot? Thanks I don't know! Wrote that song on booze. Man, for the past few years I've mostly had a phrase or song title beatin' around in my head for awhile, and eventually I'll come up with a melody to house it. Then I expand from there.
Hey Richard, I just wanted to say that Margot is my favorite band of all time. No matter how much I listen to your music I can always come back to it and it puts me in a good mood. Your music has changed quite a bit over the years so I'm curious, what made you transition from the "Dust of Retreat" sound to the style you had on Rot Gut Domestic? Also what do you think the next album will most resemble? E: Also, come to Florida soon please! Thanks so much. Just got bored and wanted to change it up, I guess. Playing stuff like Dust on the road does get a little boring. The new one will kind of be like SSTH mixed with Gut, but with a little cello again. It actually doesn't sound much like any of the records to me. Lots of catchy falsetto hooks.
Hello Richard! I was wondering if you (and the band) had any future plans with 16mm film? Music videos, longer format films, etc? I would love, love, love to do more. It's so expensive that we'd have to work that side of it out. It would absolutely wonderful, though.
Hey Richard! My best friend and I have been fans since Dust and get together every time you release a new record to experience it together. I have great memories of getting stranded between two flooded streets in the rain the night Buzzard dropped as we came home from getting it, regular trips to Chicago to see you guys, and buying our first fake IDs to see you play The Cactus Club. Have you ever wondered what would have happened had you not taken more ownership of your bands' sound? Obviously Dust is a really commercial-sounding record in comparison to the rest of your work, closer to the old Archer Ave. stuff than any of the recent Margot stuff. Also how do you /really/ feel about Kacey Musgraves? Sometimes I wish I hadn't taken control. I really do love pop music and think I could actually make a good pop record with the right help. But I'm too stubborn to do anything different, probably. I want to feel real ownership of my shit, for whatever reason. I like Musgraves! I wish there were a couple more bangers on those records. Feel like she's got a really good record in her. Needs a little more heartbreak.
Do you have the track list for the box set yet? Yes I do, but I'm not sure I'm allowed to post it in its entirety. Any specific songs you're wondering about?
A tangle of blonde, lost at sea, blue collar, red letter to name a few. YES!
Any Panic Attacks! stuff? Always loved "As Beautiful As Ever" and would love to hear it crackling on my turntable. Good beautiful as ever demo from BUZZARD demo sessions, if you can believe it.
Beating Off in Public, Give Us Barabas!, RaBBBid Dog, Viv / Vivian Kubrick, Whiskey Jingle. Yes, no, no, yes, yes.
What's your favorite flick (or favorites) in the film noir genre? So many! Ride the pink horse. Night and the city. They live by night. Gun crazy. Anything with Cathy O'Donnell.
Hey Richard! Do you know if/when you might come around to performing in New York? Also, what are your favorite movies? I hope so soon. Night and the city. The man from Laramie. Ride the pink horse. Barry Lyndon. Macgruber.
Last updated: 2015-07-20 22:14 UTC
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2015.02.17 22:33 an_altar_of_plagues Mini-garage sale

I'm moving to an outpost in the frozen wasteland of Alaska (no, seriously), and so I have a whoooole bunch of stuff that I need to sell to 1) help pay for my airfare, and 2) just get rid of; I'm not gonna ship my stereo system.
There's probably more where this stuff came from, so check it out. Prices are negotiable.
DVDs: $5 each, or $20 for five. - King Kong - Blazing Saddles - Van Wilder - Borat - Thank You for Smoking - The Enforcer - Magnum Force - Sudden Impact - Drop Dead Gorgeous - The Bourne Ultimatum - Murderball - How I Met Your Mother (Season 4) - V for Vendetta - How I Met Your Mother (Season 3) - Watchmen - The Silence of the Lambs - Rock n Rolla - Batman Begins
Adult Medium PFD, specifically designed for kayaking and small-boat sailing. Has seen use on multiple rivers, but there are no tears or other compromising factors. The Coast Guard approval sticker is clearly legible. My morals would keep me from selling this if it weren't in tip-top shape. Asking for $40.
Large organic chemistry laboratory coat. Keeps things from corroding your body. Asking for $10.
EXP Snapdragon kayaking skirt. Extremely snug, fits well on kayaking playboats or creek boats. Has seen use on Nantahala and Ocoee Rivers, but is in good shape and probably has several more years of use if taken care of well. Asking price: $50.
Dillard's dark blue men's suit jacket. Has a subtle plaid design. Has been recently dry-cleaned. I have warn it approximately ten times. Size is 39R. Originally bought for $150; asking price right now is only $50.
Black suit jacket. Good for black-tie affairs where you will almost certainly spill wine on yourself and you'd rather not do it to your tailored suit. Size is 40R. Asking for $10.
Adventure Technology kayaking paddle with 30-degree grip. Carbon fiber base. Fantastic for kayaking, paddleboarding, canoeing, and basically any watersport ever. Originally bought for $150. It has not seen much use, and is free of major scratches. You can also put it above your headboard and convince your dates that you are a whitewater kayaker. Asking for $70.
Brooklyn Brew Shop beer-making kit for the everyday IPA. Has not been opened. Asking for $20.
Underoath 2011 tour t-shirt. A relic of my metalcore days. Asking for $5.
Small H&M dark blue with white pinstripes dress shirt. Makes your pecs look pretty sexy. Asking for $5.
Chemistry goggles. Good for making sure you don't get shit in your eye when you do stupid crap in chemistry class. Asking for $5.
Tommy Hilfiger light blue pinstriped dress shirt with dark red trim inside the collar. Good for looking sexy. Asking for $10.
Full-sized mattress. It has a stain from its previous owner, but I can assure you that it is fine. Free of bedbugs and other crap. I'm giving it away for free, but you have to pick it up on the 28th of February. That's my move-out date.
Dark brown bookshelf, pre-made and everything. Good for putting books on shelves. Asking for $20.
Panasonic 2-way speaker dual-port stereo system. Features auxiliary ports, modifable extensions for the speakers, two cassette/tape players, and options for hooking up to TVs. It also has a 5-CD changer, but it is currently nonfunctional. However, I'm sure that it's easily fixable by someone who knows what they're doing. It's a great stereo system and I've taken good care of it over the years. I am asking for $65.
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2012.10.04 06:21 outofrange19 Before/During/Afterish, 180-139, 5'5"F. I still have beer, but I also have broccoli.

I've been posting a lot here and recently hit 40 pounds lost, so I may as well make one of these posts.
I've been vegetarian my whole life. That, of course, doesn't mean that I was healthy. I like vegetables, but between growing up very poor and being skinny from stress and malnutrition (and NEEDING to walk everywhere because of lack of transportation funds) I forgot how to eat properly. I also HATED exercise. My high school focused on academics, and I would hide in the weight room cramming for tests. I failed the mile run every year, since I grew up in secondhand smoke and took up the habit when I was 16.
In 2008, I got myself out of my toxic home environment and fell in love with an amazing man, who is in the first picture. Between having money for whatever I wanted to eat and spending lots of time drinking craft beer and vodka and eating with my foodie boyfriend, I went from being a perfectly normal size 8/9 to a 16 within a couple of years. One bad birth control pill contributed to water retention and appetite changes, but that was mostly me. I ate a lot of starch. Pasta, potatoes, pierogi, coupled with sour cream and lots of cheese. Nothing bad in moderation, but there was no moderation. I also had a Red Bull addiction and while I have always hated soda, I drank a lot of non-carbonated sugary drinks like canned iced tea and Snapple. I still liked vegetables! I just forgot about them. I was a supervisor in a high volume drugstore (not Walgreen's, but to give you US-ians an idea) and surrounded by bad food ideas.
This went on for a few years. I knew I was unhealthy, but as I am body positive I shrugged it off most of the time. Coworkers made nasty comments, even when I had only gained like ten pounds, and they enraged me, especially as I was STILL healthier than I had been when I was skinny. No, really. I was a very unhealthy skinny kid. I smoked, I drank, I ate a lot of cheese fries and cakes. I just didn't have much food, period. I was also happy and had a pretty good self-image because I have very bad teeth, so how I look has always taken second fiddle to who I am. Plus, my boyfriend never gave me crap, even though I know he prefers very thin women. I wasn't very thin when we started dating, so that's not really my problem. Eventually, in 2011, I quit smoking and didn't really gain any weight. It was easier than I had anticipated, though I still had a cigarette about once a week, which was a vast improvement over a pack to a pack and a half a day, or 20-30 cigarettes per day. Shortly after that, I stopped drinking sugary drinks and switched to water and unsweetened tea.
Fast foward to early 2012, when a Planet Fitness opened up near me and I got a Fitocracy membership after seeing a few online friends start health and fitness journeys on Tumblr and Fito. I had been taking an interest in healthier eating, having delicious salads and smoothies, and a tooth extraction meant I lost five pounds simply by eating a liquid diet; my lovely boyfriend made me nutritious things like pureed peas to keep me healthy while I couldn't chew or have sharp or crunchy foods.
It all came to a perfect healthy storm when I found Couch to 5k on Fitocracy. I had never been a runner, as I mentioned earlier, even when I was skinny, and the weight machines intimidated me. Plus, I like structure. As it turned out, my bosses didn't think I could do it, and there was a 5k charity run my company sponsored that happened to be at the end of the program. I was hooked.
Shortly before my first official 5k, I had lost about 5 pounds from more mindful eating and exercise in about two months, and a friend introduced me to MyFitnessPal. That COMPLETELY changed my life. Weight just started dropping off. That was late April. From early May to early September, I lost over 30 pounds. I finally started to plateau recently because I would rather fuel my running than drop more fat through diet alone, and I've already fit into the goal clothes I had set up. In fact, I can wiggle them off without unzipping/unbuttoning them.
How did I do that? I created a caloric deficit. I walk everywhere, including 3.5 miles to and from work every day, so 7 miles right there. I run 3-5 miles 4 times a week or so and have a longer run on Saturdays, usually 6-10 miles. Focusing on running more than weight has helped me not slide into eating disorder territory, which is frighteningly easy to do. I eat more veggies and fruits and traded my refined carbs for whole grain versions: brown rice, whole wheat pasta, pita bread, Arnold wheat thins. The only food I refuse to have anymore are full size candy bars. They're a slippery slope.
I still have beer. I'm having Stone Anniversary IPA right now. I still have little candy bars, and cheese, and pizza, and butter. I also have lots of salads, tons of Greek Yogurt (plain, less sugar and more protein), brown rice and beans, and steamed veggies. I have oatmeal instead of bagels. I move more. There are three race pictures for a reason.
At the moment, I have about 1700 calories a day for maintenance, losing maybe half a pound a week at that. I follow a rough 80/20 rule: as long as I'm doing the right thing 80% of the time, the other 20% won't trip me up that badly. I could go smaller. I know my low weight isn't that low. But I really like where I am. My next goals are to do a mud/obstacle run, another half marathon, to get to 100 push-ups (currently at like two), and to do a marathon. I have at least one half marathon planned for next year and would like to do two. In order to reach those goals, I HAVE to continue to eat right and to treat my body right.
What I've done with my body is my choice. If other people wish to lose weight, I know I can help them, because I did it and aside from weighing everything I ate and logging it, it didn't take that much effort for me. Many of my friends have no interest in losing weight or getting more fit, and that's fine. It does warm my heart when my friends are interested in what I eat or try Couch to 5k- three friends and counting!
Finally, I have a before and after collage. The first picture is my highest weight, and the maid of honor for a wedding I was in during summer 2011 asked if I was pregnant. I happen to be childfree. The second is right before MyFitnessPal, right after mjy first 5kk, where I finished in 37 minutes. The third is after my second 5k, which was done in 33:43; I was around 150 pounds. The last one, at 140 pounds, was right after my first half marathon, and I finished that in 2 hours and 34 minutes. Finally, there are two face comparison shots: one from my second or third week of Couch to 5k, and one from today.
http://imgur.com/824jv <-- before/during/afterish collage!
edited for a fail in my collage
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2012.07.03 07:02 tabledresser [Table] IAmA: Charles Stross, science fiction writer

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2012-07-02
Link to submission (Has self-text)
Link to my post
Questions Answers
Are you planning a kickstarter game like Neal Stephenson? If you did what would it be about? Reverse order: no, I'm not planning a kickstarter game. And I'm not really a game designer. (Writing novels takes up about 100% of my available working time.)
Fellow early adopter here. TI gave me a TIPC with a 1200 baud modem and sent me home. I tripped over the usenet and compuserve by accident. What happened to keep you off for 6 months?! Left university and got a job with a company who had no internet connection, back in the days when a 2400 baud UUCP dial-up cost £900 a year (or about a months' gross salary). Remedied this by changing jobs :)
Hallo Charles. I'm in the UK. I just wrote a book and (it looks like) a good publishing house are going to pick it up. It is sort of sci-fi. For starters, there's a long-standing (50 year old) flame war within the field over whether it's "sci-fi" or "SF".
My question: all agents I've spoken to think that while selling a book to publishers it's best to avoid using the term "sci-fi" if possible. Ideally they want to sneak sci-fi stuff in, "under the radar", so it can get the sort of backing that only a big publisher can provide. Secondly, all these labels boil down to is a bunch of marketing categories that tell bookshop staff where to file the product (which they don't know from a hole in the road) on the shelves where customers can find it. SF has traditionally been looked down on by the literary establishment because, to be honest, much early SF was execrably badly written -- but these days the significance of the pigeon hole is fading; we have serious mainstream authors writing stuff that is I-can't-believe-it's-not-SF, and SF authors breaking into the mainstream. If you view them as tags that point to shelves in bricks-and-mortar bookshops, how long are these genre categories going to survive in the age of the internet?
How do you feel about this? Cheers. Note: this skepticism breaks down in the face of, for example, the German publishing sector, where booksellers are a lot stuffier and more hidebound over what is or is not acceptable as literature.
Could you give an example or two of large British publishers that you think are doing a good job in this respect? Ignoring genre barriers, taking risks etc? AhahahaHA!!
Sorry, no I can't. But not for the reason you think. Thing is, my agent is based in New York. And due to a historic accident, my publishing track is primarily American -- I'm sold into the UK almost as a foreign import! So I'm quite out of touch with what's going on in UK publishing. (Even my Kindle is geared to the US store.)
Did you end up with an American agent because all the British agents passed on you? Or did you actually want to do things that way? A bit of both. I wanted an agent who would actually sell stuff. After two British agents failed comprehensively, I was reading Locus (the SF field's trade journal) and noticed a press release about an experienced editor leaving her job to join an agent in setting up a new agency. And I went "aha!" -- because what you need is an agent who knows the industry but who doesn't have a huge list of famous clients whose needs will inevitably be put ahead of you. So I emailed her, and ... well, 11 years later I am the client listed at the top of her masthead!
One last question (if you can be arsed). When you look at the publishing process (particularly the point at which agents have to sell books) what do you think needs to be fixed/tinkered with? Are editors too short-sighted? In your experience is their predilection for putting things in boxes limiting? Biggest message: find your customers and sell them what they want to buy. DRM is bad for business. Territorial rights restrictions are bad for business. Amazon are utterly hateful and evil -- they will kill you and establish a monopoly if they can -- but their one redeeming feature is that they're good to customers: so learn from them.
Basically if you could sit all the big editors down and briefly lecture them on doing their job what would you say? Thanks Charles. It's not the editors I'd lecture, but the senior executives who give the publishing CEOs their marching orders (editors are a level below that). All the editors I deal with are extremely smart, clueful folks who are often frustrated by corporate policies -- because the publishing houses are divisions within large media conglomerates, and they're small, low-profit subsidiaries at that (and so don't get much say in group-wide policy).
Have you considered selling books via Baen? They seem to have the right idea, and you're in the right genre. Link to www.baen.com. Not up to me, up to my publishers.
For someone who is unfamiliar with your work, what book would you suggest as a good starting point (if it's available for Kindle, I will get it as soon as I see your answer)? Any plans to follow in L. Ron's footsteps and start a religion? I'm an atheist (subtype: generally agree with Richard Dawkins but think he could be slightly more polite; special twist: I was raised in British reform Judaism, which is not like American reform Judaism, much less any other strain of organised religion). So: no cults here. Starting points: for a sampler, you could try my short story collection "Wireless". Which contains one novella that scooped a Locus award, and one that won a Hugo, and covers a range of different styles.
Thank you so much for releasing Accelerando as a freebie! I'd just picked up Stanza on my iPhone and was going through the free Sci Fi (or SF) books. That ebook got me hooked, so was a pretty savvy marketing move. Book depository is nothing new; there've been outlets selling books internationally via mail order for many decades -- the only change is that it's now easier to find and use such services.
So, is there an official term for "Polite Atheist"? Someone who doesn't believe, yet isn't offensive about it? I'm not sure. The trouble is, if you go too far towards being polite, the label that applies is "doormat".
Hi! Would you consider Halting State and Rule 34 Cyberpunk? I was heavily reminded of Neal Stephensons early books (the craziness of Snow Crash mixed with more current-day themes like Cryptonomicon). "Halting State" and "Rule 34" are cyberpunk only insofar as we are living in a 1980s cyberpunk dystopia, and these are very much novels of our time (plus 10-20 years). What I've learned during my life is that the near future is 90% identical to the present -- if you buy a new car today, it'll probably still be on the road in 2022. Another 9% is predictable from existing tech roadmaps: Intel's projected roadmap for where their processors are going, SpaceX's order book for satellite launches, and so on. And 1% is totally bugfuck crazy and impossible to predict. (Go back to 1982 and the idea that the USSR would have collapsed and been replaced by hyper-capitalist oligarchs would have earned you a straitjacket, never mind a book contract. Go back to 1992 and the idea that the USA and Iran would be fighting a proxy war on the internet would have ... well, ditto.)
While I love the Laundry books I consider A Colder War one of your best works, is there a chance that we will get another 'serious' story with Lovecraftian themes? Lovecraftian seriousness: well, book 5 or 6 of the Laundry series is due to get epically grim.
Case Nightmare Green? Yup.
It's always interesting to learn how different authors approach their craft. What's your "ritual" when writing? TL;DR: I don't have one.
Longer version ... (I want to apologize for keeping this short: I have carpal tunnel issues so I might have to switch to speech recognition soon) ...
I write exclusively using computers. Pens and typewriters can fsck right off -- I wrote my first half million words in my teens on a manual typewriter (had to trade it for a new one due to keys snapping from metal fatigue) so I am not a pen or typewriter fetishist.
I write almost entlirely on Macs, because: Windows gives me hives. (I first ran into Windows as of Win 2.11/386, back in the eighties. It did not leave a good taste. I then became a happy UNIX bunny. Mac OSX is the last UNIX workstation class OS standing. So I've learned to put up with its other foibles.)
I have no set writing routine other than: plant bum in chair in front of keyboard/on sofa under laptop, and start going. Oh, and I drink tea pretty much continuously at a rate of around 1 imperial pint/hour, which sort of enforces screen/keyboard breaks.
(I want to apologize for keeping this short: I have carpal tunnel issues so I might have to switch to speech recognition soon) I write exclusively using computers. Does this mean you use speech recognition while writing too? or have you been writing before the AMA and you're at your fatigue point? Speech recognition is utterly crap for writing fiction. If you try reading a novel aloud you'll soon figure out why -- written prose style is utterly unlike the spoken word.
Why Mac rather than Linux? (Esp. considering your background, e.g. Computer Shopper etc.) Excellent design values. ("Why drive a Porsche if you could drive a backhoe? The backhoe's got more torque and you can do cool things with it like digging holes in the road!" "Yes, but the backhoe isn't a Porsche ...")
It gets out of my way and lets me get stuff done. Seriously, Windows seems designed to make easy tasks hard and hard tasks impossible; Linux would be fine if it came pre-tuned to the hardware, but I've got a long term 30% failure rate getting any given laptop to run it properly with full device support -- I can do without the choice between badly designed, bulky, inconvenient machines that work with Linux, and taking pot luck that the latest well-designed sleek ultrabook will actually, um, boot.
TL:DR; I've reached an age at which I'd rather pay more for something that "just works" than roll up my sleeves, reach for a spanner, and make it work. Time is money, and the older we get the less of it we've got left ...
It's said that people have to write a million words of crap before they can rite good stuff. True, in your opinion? No. I wrote two million words of crap. Maybe I'm just a slow learner ...
Do you just put up with the carpal tunnel when writing? Up to a point. I don't want to permanently damage myself! On the other hand, a couple of days off the keyboard tends to make things somewhat better.
What are your views about people pirating your books? Back before the internet we had a name for people who bought a single copy of our books and lent them to all their friends without charging: we called them "librarians". Frankly, I couldn't care less about you loaning a copy of one of my books, on paper, to a friend. In fact, I think it's a good idea. Spreads the word, right? What I do have a problem with is people who sell my work for financial gain without paying me a cut of the proceeds. If money is passing hands, then the customer feels that they've paid for the right to read the work. But if they haven't paid me (or my publishers), then that's siphoning money out of my income stream. Today, we see some "file sharing" sites that rely on fans uploading cracked copies of ebooks, and which then make money off those books by charging for downloads (via cash subscriptions or advertising). Again: I take a dim view of this. They're making money off the back of my work without paying me.
2: Mr. Stross answered this question in far more detail while I was typing the above edit. Thank you! [Edit/afterthought] More often than not, piracy is a symptom of an under-provisioned market. People want to buy mp3s but can't? Piracy ensues. Then Apple strong-arms the music studios into the iTunes store and music piracy drops somewhat. The same, I believe, is also happening with ebooks.
Do you make a point of turning unpromising-sounding premises into something really extra-ordinary? Or are the back-of-book blurbs just over-simplifying? The back-of-book blurb is not written by the author (any more than the author paints the cover illustration). The sole job of the back-of-book blurb and the cover is to make a reader who is unfamiliar with the author or the book pick the product up in a store, because retail psychology studies show that consumers who handle the merchandise are more likely to buy it.
Hi Charlie! I've read much of what you've written, and I just have to say that you have a creativity rarely matched in SF - please keep it up. That said, what gadget do you think is going to have the greatest impact on the way we live in the next few coming years? Something like the Google glasses? Ultra-low power consumption ubiquitous embedded processors powered by ambient light or EM radiation are going to do insane things to our cities in the next 15-30 years -- far more significant than google glasses, which are just a slightly different UI (you can do much the same stuff already using a smartphone with motion/orientation/positioning sensors) ...
The radical transparency surveillance state that Brin predicted, open to all? Or data inequality leveraged by the HFT engines of the rich corporations to give them the edge to make a buck of it? Now add ambient genome sensing -- not human genomes, but the microbiome soup we live in (remember, sequencer costs are currently obeying Moore's Law) and start wondering where it's all going!
Been a fan for a long time. Got hooked via Accelerando (which I understand is something of an old shame at this point?), and stayed hooked via Halting State and the Laundry Files. Thanks for the AMA. :D. It's not an old shame, it's simply that I wrote it circa 1998-2004, and my views have changed somewhat over the intervening decade ...
Can you please expand on that? In what way did your views change? Accelerando is one of my all time favourites. Sure. See: Link to www.antipope.org
Link to www.amazon.com
Progress always get met with "but consider the ethics..". OK, let me ask you this: if you have a no-shit AI in a box, and it's running, when you switch it off/reboot it/reformat it/send it to the scrap heap, are you murdering a sentient being? Yes/No? Please justify your reasoning.
Now consider: your no-shit AI is the adversary in a computer game environment. What happens when you kill it (in-game)? What happens when you get tired of the game and delete it?
Hint: some fun background reading would be Ted Chiang's "The Lifecycle of Software Objects".
Have you ever used unused (or used) ideas from your D&D days in your stories, or vice versa? No. My D&D days are 30 years gone; it'd be a rare idea to survive from that long ago.
If you could meet any dead science fiction author for a day, who would you meet and what would you do? Roger Zelazny. And probably a pub crawl then a curry.
How hard was it for you to break into the US market? If I'd known how easy it would be, I'd have done it earlier!
If you could choose between The Merchant Princes becoming a video game, a movie series, a TV series, and a limited HBO TV series, what format would you choose? Who would you pick for a director and some of the leads? Would you want to do the screenplay yourself? None of those are media formats I consume, so I have no opinion on the options. (Nor do I have any idea who the currently interesting directors or actors are.) If I wanted to be in movies, I'd have gone into scriptwriting: the fact that I write novels should be a big hint about what I prefer to do!
(Final Q: I dislike Dr Who and Star Trek, so I shan't comment further.)
"I dislike Dr. Who and Star Trek..." This is like finding out your dad really can't beat up everyone else's dad. They've achieved cult following through character development, but as SF they both have gigantic structural flaws at the plot and tech level; great gaping internal inconsistencies! (Although I'm kind of fond of the meta-theory that explains Star Trek as being propaganda intended for external consumption by the Federation, which is actually the Soviet Union in Space in the 24th century.)
Next you will tell me Nutella doesn't really taste good. Damn you Charles Stross! Damn you to hell! I will still read your books, but I will do so with a smug expression of annoyance ;) Nutella is okay, but Marmite rocks as a sandwich topping!
You must try Vegemite. I like vegemite too.
(Alas - this may be TMI - I have a mild yeast intolerance; if I consume too much wheat beer or marmite or vegemite and my next morning will be exceedingly interesting, in a most unpleasant way.)
I saw that you started writing at the age of 15, novels at that. I'm a younger person myself, and for me and the rest of novel-aspiring-youth, what do you have to tell? Tips, motivation, etc.? Write. Every day, if possible.
Finish stuff.
Send it out, and when it comes back, send it out again.
Step 3 may be a bit premature if you're thinking about professional publication, but at the very least: workshop with other writers, learn to critique their work, learn to understand and listen to their criticism of your work, then apply the skills you learned dissecting other folks' writing to your own stuff.
Do you ever read something someone else has written and think "damn, now I cant do that". Who do you read? (if you have time) Yes, I sometimes get the "Damn, too late, [X] got there first" idea. But seriously? I have time to write 1-2 novels per year, and get roughly novel-sized ideas every month. I have to perform triage on my own writing impulses. So it's usually quite easy to shrug and write something else instead.
What I read: while I'm writing, I tend to go off reading fiction for relaxation -- especially the challenging stuff. It's too much like the day job. When I do get to chow down on a book, I try to read ones that are nothing like what I'm writing. So, as I'm currently working on a space opera (of sorts) I'm mostly indulging in urban fantasy.
Wow, I didn't realise the ideas flew in so fast. Is it morbid to ask if you worry about getting it all written before you die? (Im thinking of Terry Pratchett here...) Yes, I worry about that. I'm 47. I reckon I can count on 30 more writing years, averaging a book a year (I can't keep up the 2-2.5 a year I used to do these days). And these days I've gotten round to wondering, for each new idea, "do I want to be remembered for this?" before I get to the point of spending a year on it.
Asimov or Clarke? Neither, although I'm marginally less averse to Clarke's style.
Out of curiosity, what about Heinlein? (As a writer, at least - let's leave politics aside for the moment.) I have written a Heinlein tribute novel.
In general, who in sci-fi/SF inspired you, and/or inspires you now? (Unfortunately, while most authors who do that -- Scalzi, Varley, Robinson, et al -- pick Heinlein juveniles, I went for a dirty old man Heinlein tribute novel. Hence "Saturn's Children" and a novel that hinges on the word spung!).
Have you ever been afraid to actually publish a book for fear of what your fans may think? And how do you deal with writers block, or just actually getting the damn thing started? And lastly, do you read books that aren't in your current genre? And if so, what's your favorite? Publishing is the final step in making a book; if I was afraid to publish one, I wouldn't write it in the first place. (But in general, a little controversy isn't harmful: if anything, it gets people interested. I don't think most of my opinions, political or social, are so far outside of the mainstream that they'd cause massive outrage on a scale liable to provoke death threats or referrals to prosecutors for outraging public decency, so why worry?)
Writers block: when I get it, it's because my subconscious spotted that I'd make a huge structural mistake in constructing a novel before my conscious mind became aware of it, and threw on the brakes. So I've learned not to sweat it: take two days off, then back up a chapter, read through, and try to work out why I'm suddenly uneasy about continuing.
While writing a novel I almost completely stop reading books in the same sub-genre for the duration.
Hi there, funnily enough i just finished the Atrocity Archives, which i bought because i bought the Laundry RPG a while back. Awesome book. Loved it. Can't wait to run the game. So do you play Call of Cthulhu or the Laundry at all? Or are you just into the writing side? Strictly writing side. I was heavily into AD&D in my teens (late 1970s-early 1980s) but fell off the RPG habit in the mid-80s and have never gone back to it; my lifestyle today isn't very compatible with having a regular gaming group (too much travel).
Which do you enjoy writing more; the Laundry series or harder scifi like Glasshouse and Accelerando? That's a very hard question.
If I write too much of anything for too long, I burn out on it. So it helps to vary my output from year to year. That's partly why the Laundry books are coming out at 2-5 year intervals rather than every 12 months.
As someone who grew up reading Ian Fleming and HP Lovecraft, I think they're well worth the wait! (Just pre-ordered the latest iteration) Also, do you find it difficult to write your more abstract stories like Accelerando? I tried to explain it to a friend once, but failed miserably. Accelerando was murder. It took me more than five years, in the shape of nine stories. One of which (#5) was so difficult that by way of finding an excuse to dodge having to work on it I accidentally barfed up the first two volumes of the Merchant Princes series.
I am a huge fan of yours. Three of my favorite short stories are Missile Gap, A Colder War, and Unwirer. Well, I guess I just really love the whole "Wireless" collection. What inspired you to cross Lovecraft with The Cold War? Fear of nuclear annihilation. I'm a child of the cold war: I didn't live more than 10 miles from a major WarPac nuclear target until the Berlin Wall came down and the CW ended. Knowing you can die horribly at any moment because of decisions made by alien intelligences thousands of miles away who don't even know you exist -- there's something Lovecraftian about that, isn't there?
At what age did you start writing novels? I began my first novel when I was 15. It went through three drafts, of around 40,000 words each. If I find it, I'll burn it. (If you read it, you'd thank me :)
Hahahha I'm 15 now. Every time when i have to do an assignment for school, i don't really know how to start, could you give me some advice, please? Nope. Because I'm nearly a third of a century older than you, and any advice I could give you about school assignments would be slightly out of date ...!
The modern solution is to just wikiwalk until inspired. Or tropeswalk! Actually, no, don't do that. You'll get sucked into TVTropes and suddenly notice that the sun's peeking through your window, you're knee-deep in villain archetypes, and the assignment's due in three hours. Your warning comes too late. Actually, I was semi-immunized to TVTropes by being sent a copy of the Turkey City Lexicon by Bruce Sterling at an impressionable age: Link to www.sfwa.org
What do you think of TV Tropes, in general? Like all good things, it's possible to overdose on it.
But for someone who is starting out on developing their critical skills, just being aware of its existence is great: it can make the difference between trying to write a story around a cliche or an original idea, and better still, studying it can eventually clue you in on how to breathe new life into tired tropes.
One of the things that I liked about Halting State and Rule 34 was that they are set in a plausible near future where technology has made individuals much more productive than people from 50+ years ago. Given that with technological assistance one worker can now supervise many machines working to produce goods do you think that there will be a resurgence of a leisure class in the first world? Do you think that we are getting to the point where instead of overpaying people to do manual factory work there is room for another model that still resembles modern life? I have no answer to this question. Keynes asked it more than fifty years ago; something has clearly gone wrong, given that the folks with jobs seem to work endless hours while many people can't get a job at all.
Nice to see a bit of social marketing, it will be interesting to hear how it compares to the publishers' marketdroid efforts in terms of sales (if you can tease out the stats). Now the important question, favourite beer? My regular session beer is Deuchars IPA (Link to www.caledonianbeer.com) It's not an American-style bitterness wars IPA; it's a light, Scottish ale with just enough hops to tell you what it is, and it's weak enough that you can keep drinking it continuously for hours without any risk of waking up in a puddle with KICK ME tattooed on your bum.
Any other writing aids? Link to www.antipope.org
What's your policy/opinion on adverbs? I ask because guys like Stephen King encourage writers to murder every adverb before it ever hits the page, whereas guys like William Gibson (my favorite author) use them liberally. I have no policy, for or against: only a personal style. (Which is to say, I use them when I think it's appropriate to; for example, an internal monologue by a locquacious and verbose narrator is more likely to be larded with adverbs than an exchange of instant messages between cops at a crime scene.)
I'm a new but big fan. The first book of yours that I read only a few months ago was Accelerando and it absolutely blew my mind! Not only that but it made me very excited for the near future, I see Google Glasses as being a very exciting tech that leads into your vision. Bitcoin: probably not, but it's intriguing enough to be at the root of an entire interstellar finance system in "Neptune's Brood" (due next July, 2013).
PS I'm really looking forward to seeing you when you come to Perth West Aus next year. Maybe I can buy you a beer! Perth, beer? Sure!
Bitcoins as... urrrrgh. Okay. I'll have to read that, then. Hope you got the failure conditions right! I hybridised it with Chaum's digicash. With the added twist that participants in exchanges had to be in different solar systems. It's called "slow money" for a reason ...
How do you make sure you aren't "inadvertently plagiarizing?" I think up ideas a lot but am sure they have already been done somewhere or that I am ripping something off I have read and cannot recall specifically. Original creativity seems difficult. First: plagiarism requires you to copy someone else's words. You can avoid this by, er, not copying! Writing your own story around the same ideas is not plagiarism; at worst, it's being unoriginal.
thanks for the books...I love science fiction and appreciate the work that goes into putting out novels to entertain us. Having said that, you're right: coming up with truly new ideas is hard. But I've got a method: I look for a couple of obvious ideas that have been done before (try: folks who can travel at will to parallel universes; in their home world they're the aristocracy, because: magic powers) and then look for the second-order side effects: stuff that other authors didn't dig into (for example: wrt. the previous idea, what are the consequences of these folks' ability for the ongoing economic and political development of their world? Can it have negative consequences? If so, what are they?)
How long did it take you to become comfortable writing in the second person? I finished reading Rule 34 and it was the first novel* i had read in this style. It took me about a hundred pages of "Halting State" to get the hang of it, and another hundred pages to feel comfortable. I also needed a reason to start doing it (2nd person is the natural voice of the text adventure game -- "you are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike").
A trilogy? Does this mean that a third book is on contract, or that you just have it kicking around in your head? EDIT: Nevermind, you answered this already. Looking forward to it! "The Lambda Functionary" is on contract for delivery on July 1st, 2013 and publication around July 3rd, 2014. And I haven't even begun writing it yet. Ulp.
Connected intelligence (as in, human intelligence augmented by online sources) seems to be on the perpetual 'five years out' list - do you think projects like Google Glass will finally make this a reality? What sort of timescale would you envisage for mass-adoption? (crosses fingures for a 'yes') Hmm ... what's wrong with a smartphone with always-on 3G or 4G data and google/wikipedia? Doesn't that qualify?
How much pre-planning would you say that you do before starting on a new book? Or do you subscribe more to the "Let's just start writing and see where it takes us" camp? Both :)
No two books come out the same way. Some I write by the seat of my pants; others are planned in minute detail.
The one thing that does happen, every time, though, is that I never get to write a book until I've already been thinking about it for a period of months to years. Unless it's "Glasshouse" (time from initial idea to starting writing: 9 days).
Rule 34 was one of my favorite reads last year, but I found the title to be a bit of a red herring since (without spoilers) neither memes nor porn ended being a big part of the story's resolution (other than the department Kavanaugh is in when she started). Was that intentional? What is ATHENA if not a meme with legs? (The relative lack of porn I'll grant you ...) Link to www.antipope.org
Hi Charles, I'm Chinese and I live in Asia and most of the sci fi actually comes from the west. Is this due to cultural reasons, literacy or how technology/future seems to resonate more if written from a western perspective? Also, how can one become a successful sci fi/fantasy writer outside of Europe/America? I have no idea, frankly ...
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